Passive
by Brandywine421
Summary: AU. Ryan finds out about Trey but things take a different turn and he has to finally deal with his past.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Takes place during the Season Finale.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.

Ryan slammed the door to the apartment and glared at Trey with cold eyes.

"What's up, baby brother?" Trey asked before Ryan punched him in the face.

Ryan felt Trey's nose crack under the force of his blow and he kept hitting him, even after his brother's chest started to gurgle.

"If you ever touch her again, I swear to god I'll kill you…are you listening?" He paused long enough to give Trey a chance to respond.

"Get off me…" Trey coughed.

Ryan started hitting him again, harder this time. He wanted to make Trey hurt, he wanted to make him feel his betrayal, to make him feel the anger and the hurt…

"Ryan, stop…please…"

He leaned back finally, blood on his hands and examined his brother.

"She's lying…"

"You're lying; all you do is lie…" Ryan said, punching him again. He felt one of Trey's teeth dislodge and Trey cried out in pain.

Ryan hit him again, focusing on his chest and abdomen now. "I want you to get the hell out of here, I don't ever want to see you again…if you come near me or Marissa or anyone I fucking know, I swear to god I'll have you locked up so fast that you won't have time to call a fucking lawyer…"

"Ryan, stop…"

Ryan hit him one more time in the face before climbing off him and standing over him. Trey coughed, blood spraying across the floor. "I mean it, Trey. I'll fucking kill you."

He turned to leave, his conscience calm again for a moment. He barely registered Trey jumping on his back and knocking him into the glass coffee table.

"You want to fight dirty, baby brother, we can fight dirty…" Trey hissed, spraying blood from his nose as he pounded his fists into Ryan's lower back while he was still stunned from slamming into the table.

It was blood and pain and fists for an eternity before the cops rushed in. Ryan didn't know who had called them, maybe one of the neighbors, all he knew was that he was cuffed and in the car without anyone asking him what happened.

------------

The phone rings in the empty kitchen.

The phone rings in the empty car.

------------

"Get this kid to a medic," the officer said, opening the door of the police car outside the juvenile detention center.

He was still spinning from the rushed interrogation.

_"Are the drugs yours? You helping your brother sell drugs? Am I going to find your fingerprints on the gun? You guys fighting over the drug money? Did you shoot that gun at the Bait Shop?"_

It didn't matter what he said, the cops had already convicted him. And Sandy wasn't answering his phone. He didn't want to ask for a public defender when he already had a lawyer.

At least since he was seventeen, they wouldn't put him in the same jail as his brother. That would end badly.

This was all Trey's fucking fault.

Now he was right back where he started. Juvie. They didn't have a jail cell for juvenile offenders, they went to Juvie even if it was for the night.

Even if it was only temporary until they sorted out the logistics of his arrest. Assault, definitely. He didn't have anything to do with the massive amount of drugs and guns that they found at his brother's apartment, but his prints were all over the place.

And Trey would probably try to fuck him over after their little battle

"He bled all over the fucking car, now we're going to have to get it detailed," the cop snapped as the guard took his arm and jerked him toward the entrance.

Ryan could take a beating. It was a talent he'd learned at an early age. But he was getting tired now. The loss of blood and the shards of glass embedded in his back plus his screaming muscles and swelling face…he just wanted to sit down.

Fucking Trey.

The guard shoved him into a sterile room with white walls and a single chair. He motioned to the folded jumpsuit on the chair. "Change into that and the nurse will be in to check on you. Don't try anything stupid, punk," the man added, reluctantly releasing him from the cuffs.

Ryan waited for the man to leave and the telltale sound of the door locking before allowing himself to relax. He'd been cuffed throughout the whole interrogation and beyond and his wrists were raw from the restraints. He knew that he was going to bruise. He was going to be wearing his badges of weakness within hours.

It was going to be a long night. He stripped out of his bloodstained clothes and took a moment to do a quick assessment of his injuries. Bruises peppering his chest and arms. His right wrist was at least sprained if not fractured or something. He could still feel the blood trickling down his back from the glass in his flesh. His chest hurt, he'd probably bruised some ribs. Fucking Trey. He hoped Trey was in some pain wherever he was.

He reluctantly took off his brand new sneakers and slipped his feet into the safety shoes and set them aside.

It made him feel a little bit better knowing that his fucking brother was suffering for what he'd done to him.

The doorknob jiggled and Ryan immediately tensed up again, keeping his hands in front of him and standing against the wall to show that he was non-threatening.

The male nurse entered with the same guard carrying a small medical bag. "All right now, kid. Let's see what's happened to you…"

The guard took charge, stepping over and motioning for Ryan to turn around. "He's bleeding, been bleeding since they arrested him." The guard unbuttoned the front of the jumpsuit and roughly pulled it down to bare his chest and back.

"Looks like glass. Let's get him into the other room so he can sit down while I patch him up," the nurse said.

"I'm going to cuff him just in case," the guard said.

Ryan held out his hands complacently. He wasn't in the mood to fight anymore. Unless his fucking brother showed up.

------------

The phone rang in the empty house.

------------

The nurse couldn't be bothered to put in any stitches but bandaged his cuts up as best he could and made sure to put Ryan's name on the list of people to see the doctor the next morning for follow up.

Ryan's eyelids were drooping after the exam and all he wanted to do was lie the fuck down and be left alone. Surely Sandy would get the message about him before morning and they could put their heads together to figure out how to get him out of this mess.

"You'll get another phone call tomorrow," the guard said, shoving him into the cell.

Most of the bandages were hidden under his jumpsuit so he hoped that he could avoid any confrontations tonight. Hopefully they'd wait until at least the morning to smell his blood in the water.

The guard slammed the door shut and locked it and Ryan glanced around in the dim light to try and find the empty bunk.

He walked over and sat down on it, making sure not to make eye contact with any of the other kids in the two other bunks.

"Fuck. This is fucking ironic, isn't it?" A voice whispered. "Fucking narc showing up in here..."

Ryan recognized that voice. He raised his gaze and glanced over.

Kyle.

-

_Wake up (we'll catch you) and face me (come one now),  
Don't play dead (don't play dead)  
Cause maybe (because maybe)  
Someday I'll (someday I'll) walk away and say, "You fucking disappoint me,"  
Maybe you're better off this way_  
--A Perfect Circle

------------

Sandy and Seth walked into the house with tired sighs. They'd left hours earlier, Kirsten finally agreeing to go to rehab after they'd threatened to leave.

Seth was devastated by his mother's visible instability. She'd cried the whole way to the clinic and she'd begged them not to leave her. All he wanted to do was crash out somewhere and let the past days' events settle in his head.

Sandy was drained, too. Seeing his wife in such pain, watching her lash out at everyone that cared about her…he was glad that she was somewhere safe. With people that could help her. He hoped.

"Where do you think Ryan is?" Seth yawned, absently hitting the button on the answering machine.

------------

Ryan didn't even have a chance to sit down before the boy closest to him pounced on him. He was already tired and beat down and he really wasn't in the mood for a scrap.

Once he caught his breath, he kicked backwards, his heel connecting with the bastard's nuts and rendering him stunned for an instant so he could get the upper hand. He elbowed the kid in the face and felt the kid's teeth slice into his arm as he pushed him backwards against the bed.

Kyle was headed for him but Ryan's adrenaline was pumping now and he was pissed off. Fighting in juvie was no joke and he didn't want to go to the hole, isolation that wasn't self-imposed was a fear of his since childhood. Ryan blocked his punch and pushed all his momentum forward, pinning Kyle against the wall by his throat.

He punched him, hard, in the stomach and watched as Kyle choked out a breath before increasing the pressure on his neck.

"Fucking spoiled rich punk, you think you can take me? You fucking want to try and take me, bitch?" Ryan hissed, staring in his eyes. "You obviously don't know who the fuck you're messing with so you might want to reconsider…"

The fear Ryan wanted flashed on the punk's face finally and Ryan pushed against him one last time and released him, shaking off his anger and keeping his hands in a non-threatening position.

He could hear both the kids panting but Kyle finally nodded his assent.

"Thank you. It's been a long fucking day," Ryan muttered, moving toward his bed again and sitting down with a heavy sigh.

"What the fuck are you doing in here?" Kyle whispered as the lights went out for the night.

The kid he'd kicked in the nuts was holding his crotch with one hand while he tossed them both cigarettes with his other one. Ryan let himself relax slightly. He'd proven that he could defend himself and they seemed to be slightly less antagonistic.

"The only reason I came after you was because my brother took the fall and he didn't do it. It was nothing personal, it was because he was my brother," Ryan said. He might as well lay all his cards out. He didn't know how long he was going to be stuck here.

"You fucked over his brother? That's not cool…but did you really narc him out?" the other kid asked.

Ryan nodded. "Believe me, I regret it now. In turn, my brother started fucking your girl and totally lost his fucking mind."

"Jess? Oh, she's a piece of work…bitch," Kyle muttered. "She's agreed to testify against me so she won't get charged."

Ryan nodded, not surprised and accepted the offered matches from him. He inhaled deeply off the cigarette and passed the matches on.

"I'm Eric," the other kid.

"Ryan. Sorry about your nuts," Ryan said evenly.

Both kids snickered but Ryan was too sore to smile.

"So, what happened to land you in here, man?" Kyle asked.

"Same thing that always does. My fucking brother."

------------

"Where is he now?" Sandy paused, scribbling something onto a napkin. "I want a copy of his statement and I want access to him immediately, I'm his legal guardian and his lawyer, you have no proof of his involvement and he invoked his right to an attorney, I want access now…"

Seth watched his father, awed. He had been in overdrive since getting the first mumbled message from Ryan.  
His dad hung up the phone and held up the keys in his hand. "I have to go see a judge, will you be okay here?"

"I'm coming with you," Seth said, hopping off his stool.

"Seth…"

"Dad, it's Ryan," Seth stated. "We already left Mom tonight, don't make me walk away from Ryan, too…I'm coming with you."

------------

The lights woke Ryan from his doze. He hadn't slept; still wary of his cellmates despite their delinquent bonding session over contraband smokes the previous night. And his head was killing him, too. His back, his ribs, his wrist.

He hoped the doctor could at least give him some ibuprofen or aspirin to take the edge off. He needed to be on his toes and the pain was dulling his instincts, which were rusty to start.

"Up and at 'em for breakfast. Come on, punks, don't straggle, you've got ten minutes until we open your cages, be ready or you'll have to wait until lunch!" a booming voice announced.

"Fuckers," Eric muttered, sitting up.

"Damn, kid, you don't look so good…we didn't do that to you, did we?"

"Nah, all these were here on arrival," Ryan muttered, his limbs stiff and thick with pain as he sat up.

One of the guards approached their cell with a slip of paper in his hand. "Atwood?"

Ryan stood up slowly and nodded.

"Come with me, the doctor's got you first on his list, you can eat in the infirmary. The warden's going to let your lawyer in to see you," the guard said, warning Kyle and Eric to behave with a strict glare as he unlocked the cell

"My lawyer?" Ryan asked, walking out slowly.

"That's what I said. Get moving, to your left."

------------

The room was different from the other room that Ryan had seen the nurse in. This one had a single beige examining table and cabinets full of medications and medical supplies.

"Do I need to cuff you?"

"No, sir," Ryan answered quietly, signaling his submission with his lowered gaze and nod.

Several people filed into the room, a well-dressed woman in a white coat that he assumed to be the doctor, a man in a brown business suit and a big belly and then Sandy, looking rumpled and seething.

Ryan stood completely still but before he could process how angry Sandy was, the man embraced him roughly, tilting his aching head into his shoulder.

"God, are you all right? Did they hurt you? What happened to you?" Sandy whispered.

"Trey," Ryan managed, more relieved than he'd ever been in his life. Sandy wasn't angry with him. Sandy would do all he could to get him out of this place.

"Mr. Cohen…" the man in the suit started.

"I'm staying until we hear from the judge," Sandy snapped. "We don't need supervision, he needs a doctor, he needed a doctor last night, he's pale, he's shaking, he's obviously lost blood and he's hot to the touch, what kind of place are you running here where you don't provide medical care to your underage wards?"

"I would like a chance to examine him, Mr. Louis," the woman said, smiling at him politely.

"I'll be in my office, Mr. Cohen, I'll follow up on your concerns and let you know as soon as the judge contacts me. Jimmy, you can go fetch the boy his breakfast then go back to your post until the doc calls for you, all right?"

The guard nodded and hurried off behind Mr. Louis.

"Come on, Ryan, have a seat on the table and we'll get this started, just lower your shirt to your waist.

Ryan stepped away from Sandy and slowly sat down on the table. He unbuttoned the jumpsuit and pulled his arms through his sleeves, grimacing at the dark bruises that marred his body.

"Jesus…" Sandy whispered.

"These cuts…" the doctor asked, examining his back first.

"Glass," Ryan answered.

"Did you tell the cops anything?"

"I asked for my lawyer. They asked me a bunch of stuff, but I'd invoked so I didn't say anything, I didn't sign anything apart from my Miranda," Ryan replied quietly.

"Good…" Sandy nodded.

"What are they charging me with?" Ryan asked, closing his eyes as the lady pushed against his sore back with her fingertips.

"Pain?"

"Everywhere," Ryan replied honestly.

She put the stethoscope against his back and instructed him to breathe.

Sandy had stepped away, his phone against his ear.

"You need x-rays. Open your mouth," she said, pressing a thermometer under his tongue immediately. He was quiet as they waited for the beep.

She examined the display and tucked it away again after popping off the plastic coating. She pulled out a penlight and shone it in his eyes, startling him. She was all business. "Any vision problems?"

"No."

She nodded and gently lifted his arm, examining the harsh bruises before focusing on his swollen wrist. "Hurt?"

"Yes. Sprained at least," he said, wincing as she moved his hand and tested his wrist. He finally lost his breath in pain.

"Definitely broken," she stated finally, lowering his hand back to his leg. She went to a cabinet and began unlocking them, one by one.

"Ryan," Sandy said, recapturing his attention.

"Yeah."

"You okay?" he asked.

"How's Kirsten?" he countered, not wanting to lie to Sandy.

"Getting help. But I asked you first."

"Trey tried to rape Marissa. And I lost it on him…" Ryan stated, needing to explain himself.

"Wait. Not here. We need privacy for that," Sandy replied, but Ryan could see that he had heard him and filed the information away.

The doctor returned and held out a small cup with several pills inside and a larger Dixie cup with water. "For your pain and the swelling."

Sandy's phone rang in his hand and he answered it, stepping away again.

"Why don't you lie down and wait for your meal? I need to take your blood pressure and get some things together so I can give you a few stitches and maybe splint your wrist to hold you over until you get to the hospital."

Ryan nodded obediently and leaned back. He wondered when they'd put the cuffs on him again but Sandy was here for the moment and that was all that he could wish for.

----------------------------------------------------

The doctor hadn't been able to arrange for him to go to the hospital for his x-rays or the cast that he needed for his wrist right away and Sandy had to leave him to talk to the warden.

Ryan had hoped, half-heartedly, that they'd let him wait in the examining room until Sandy could tell him something.

But the guard had taken him back to the block as soon as he'd finished the toast on his plate.

Now, not only were all the punks awake and alert, he had a badge of weakness in his splinted wrist. Everyone would know that he was injured.

God, he hated being locked up.

"Everyone else is out in the yard but I have orders to keep you here in case your fancy lawyer comes through," the guard snapped. He slammed the cell door and locked it.

The drugs had made him drowsy, but he didn't want to let his guard down. If he fell asleep, the painkillers might make him harder to wake up, meaning easier to take advantage of. He sat down on his bunk with his back against the wall. He pulled his knees up against his chest and leaned his head back.

He could close his eyes for a little while.

Trey's true fucking colors shown through. Traitor. Just like his mom. Abandoning him. Hating him all this time.

Ryan had never realized that his brother was jealous. He should've known. They both stole a car. Trey got locked up. Ryan got a new life.

What the fucker hadn't realized is that if he'd had just kept his fucking cool, kept his dick in his pants and his nose out of the snow, he could've had a second chance, too. The Cohens would have helped him. Trey just couldn't see that, though.

Trey had an impulsive, trip-wire temper, just like their mom. Most of the time, Ryan was the opposite. He had a slow burn temper, like his dad. He tended to stew over stuff until the anger took over.

Trey and Ryan had fought like pit bulls when they were living in the same house. But Ryan had never considered that his brother hated him. Not really.

He was wrong. He knew that now. Trey liked to hurt. He liked to fuck things up and watch the damage fall. But Ryan knew now. And he'd be waiting. He'd get his revenge. For Marissa. For Kirsten and Sandy. He'd make Trey pay, even if it took the rest of his life.

Ryan pulled on the chafing collar of the jumpsuit to try and disguise the bruises as he heard heavy footsteps approach.

"This him?"

"Yep. Got a long ass list of charges, drugs, intent to sell, assault, got a record for grand theft auto, too."

Ryan narrowed his eyes to try and see who was speaking through the bars. He recognized the guard from the examining room and a couple of other men in uniforms.

"He already looks pretty beat up…when do you think his lawyer will get him off?"

"In a couple of hours probably, Warden's bustling around like his ass is on fire or something…"

"You sure we should do this?"

"It's the only way to make them learn…"

Ryan clenched his fists. This couldn't be good.

------------------- ------------------- --------------------- ------------------------ ---------------------  
He knew he couldn't fight back. Sandy was going to get him out. If he got in trouble for assaulting a guard, if he laid a hand on any of them, he knew that it would only complicate things beyond even Sandy's control.

But he knew that something bad was going to happen to him. They'd stepped into his cell, cuffed him despite his fucked wrist and the three guards were walking him down an empty hallway.

He would have asked where they were taking him, but the first order they'd given him was to be quiet. He knew better than to try and say anything.

"We've worked in this place a long time. Seen a lot of things. Seen a lot of punk kids like you come in and out of here with no respect, no regard for anyone but yourselves. Rich fucking spoiled little brats…" the guard walking him hissed. "Your daddy's money always saves your ass…"

Ryan started to seethe. His daddy's money? Like these pricks knew anything about his father, his life…

"But you look like you've been around the block a few times already," he continued, shoving him painfully into an empty room. The walls were gray concrete and the floor bare cement.

The hole. Every Juvie had one. Solitary, soundproof. Inescapable.

Two men followed him in and one closed the door.

"We don't have much time but we're going to teach you a lesson you'll never forget, we're going to teach you a lesson worthy of real prison…"

"Sick perverts," Ryan whispered before they shoved him against the wall, slamming his face into the hard concrete.

"You better watch what you say to me, boy…they told us all about you…"

Who?

And then he knew. Kyle. There had to be a reason they hadn't gotten busted for smoking last night after lights out. The punk had an 'in' with the guards. And he'd used it to get his payback.

Ryan's body was screaming in pain as the guard landed a blow to his lower back as the other man held him against the wall, but he gritted his teeth to keep from crying out. That would only make them angrier. Or hornier.

He hadn't figured out if he was about to be fucked or beat down.

All he knew was that it was going to hurt.

------------------- ------------------- --------------------- ------------------------ ---------------------  
"You have no proof that he had anything to do with what his brother was doing. No proof. The only reason you had for arresting him was assault, and as you could have clearly seen when you burst in, he was on the bottom, he was being assaulted. He's a juvenile, his record is clean, he's cleaned up his life and I won't let you keep him here for something he didn't do!" Sandy yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

The judge didn't seem upset, she closed the file and turned to the officer and his lieutenant. "Looking at the evidence, he's right. The boy's fingerprints were found in the apartment, but so were numerous other people's. His prints weren't on the gun or the drugs, they weren't even in the room where you found the drugs. What grounds are you holding him on?"

"None, now, I guess. Kid with a record in the middle of a fight in a drug dealer's house…we had probable cause to arrest him. Especially since we couldn't get in contact with a guardian or a lawyer. It might have gone easier on him if he'd just told us the truth…"

"You'd have locked him up anyway, as soon as you saw his record, the single misdemeanor offense that he's already served his time for, I want him out of here now. He needs medical treatment."

"Jacob, go get the warden, let him know to bring Mr. Atwood out and get him ready for release. Quickly," the judge said. She returned her attention to Sandy as the officer scurried off. "Are you going to file a complaint against the city, Mr. Cohen?"

"That's what you think this is about? I just want my kid back, Judge, I want him home and safe and out of danger. He's paid his debt to society, he's cleaned up his life and he doesn't deserve to be in this place. That's why I'm here."

The judge nodded, visibly surprised.

"But if he has a scratch on him that he didn't walk in here with…then you'll be facing a lawsuit."

------------------- ------------------- --------------------- ------------------------ ---------------------

"Damn, Jimmy, you got blood all over his jumpsuit, now we're going to have to get him changed…"

"I didn't know he was going to be all sliced up, you're the one that saw him with the doctor," the other guard snapped.

The boy was lying in the floor of the room, his jumpsuit pulled up to his waist now that they'd all had their turns punishing him. He'd passed out before Jimmy could have his second turn.

"You think this one was a good idea?"

"Kyle hasn't steered us wrong so far. Little bitch is good for picking out the snotty one," Jimmy said, kicking the kid roughly to try and get him to rouse.

There was a loud knock on the door and the watchman stepped in. "Just got a call from the warden. Wants this one upstairs now…"

"Now? How the hell…"

"There's a judge here, the fucking bitch is innocent…"

"This kid? Definitely not innocent," Jimmy remarked but he was already lifting the kid to his feet despite his unconsciousness.

"What the hell are we going to do?"

"Chill out, Dennis. Go down the hall and get us a clean jumpsuit and a washrag, we need to clean him up a little," Jimmy ordered.

He scurried off, making sure to lock the door behind him.

"You were saying about good picks?"

"Fuck you, Tommy, at least I don't get off on fucking the punks like you do, I'm just doing it for the lesson…"

"Whatever, you sadist," Tommy snapped. "It's all the same to them, isn't it? How are we going to wake him up?"

Jimmy slapped the boy hard across the face. No response except for a thicker trickle of blood from his nose.

"You know what? I'm getting the hell out of here, you're on your own with this one…" Tommy said suddenly, getting up and trying the door and cursing when he found it locked.

"Why this one? You didn't say that a minute ago when you were fucking him," Jimmy replied angrily.

"Because, it's pretty obvious he's not a little pretty boy like Kyle made him out to be, the punk's got scars all over him, and it's almost like he knew what to expect, none of the others have been like this," Tommy admitted.

"So, you really think he's innocent?"

Dennis returned with a fresh jumpsuit and a stack of towels. "The warden is fucking pissed, he wants him upstairs now…"

"What did you tell him?"

"I didn't tell him anything, he's chewing out Harvey in the yard as we speak," Dennis continued.

"Let's clean him up and get him out of here…" Jimmy said.

"He's going to rat on us," Tommy said.

"He's not going to rat."

------------------- ------------------- --------------------- ------------------------ ---------------------

_Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic  
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been  
It's your right and your ability  
To become…my perfect enemy…_

His hands were free.

But he knew what had happened by the pain flooding his body. The violation and the beating.

"He's coming to…"

Fucking Juvie. Fucking guards.

He'd seriously 'hulk out' on them if he though he could move.

He was fucking hurt.

"Atwood."

He opened his eyes and gave Jimmy the guard his hardest glare.

"You tell anybody about this…"

"About what? Your merry band of pervs?" he said, his throat hoarse. It hurt to swallow, let alone talk.

"He's gonna rat us out…"

Someone banged on the door loudly. "Open up!"

"Get up, punk," Jimmy snapped, grabbing his arm roughly.

Ryan didn't recognize his own cry of pain.

Shit. "Shut up…" Jimmy grabbed a handful of his hair.

There was a noise in the lock and the door to the Hole was open.

"What the hell, Jimmy? Dennis and Tommy? What are you doing in here with him? Atwood, are you…" Mr. Louis was pale.

Ryan glanced around the room and saw the evidence for himself. The puddle of blood. Ryan was still bleeding in his freshly changed jumpsuit and the damaged one was visible beside him. The used condoms piled on top of the bloody towel.

"He was violent and we had to subdue him," Dennis said almost robotically.

"I can't believe this. I…I've been the director here for twenty years, Jimmy…you've worked for me for ten…how long have you been…"

"Nothing happened, sir," Jimmy stated, flushed.

"You might be more convincing if you let go of the boy's hair…" Mr. Louis said.

Ryan's head was aching so much that the guard's release of his hair didn't affect the overloading of his pain threshold.

Mr. Louis slowly pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number. "Georgia? Bring Mr. Cohen and the judge down to the old wing, cell 25, and call the paramedics and the police, have them come with you…leave the boys in the yard another hour and then lock them all down, okay?"

"Carl…" Dennis started.

"No. I won't hear it," Mr. Louis said as a flurry of guards appeared. "Cuff the guards in this room and confiscate their things. Now."

The men were confuses as to why they were restraining their coworkers, but they listened to their boss. Mr. Louis walked over and knelt beside Ryan. "You okay?"

"No, sir," Ryan replied flatly. The guy had kind eyes right now but he knew better than to trust him.

This was a bad fucking day.

"Can you stand up?" He reached for his arm and saw his swollen wrist. The cuffs had fucked up the splint and Ryan's wrist was visibly broken and black with bruising.

"Get me the fuck out of here," Ryan said finally, forcing himself to move.

He shuddered at the man's hand on his arm, but he needed the support to stand. As soon as he was upright, he lost his breath and the room spun again.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

"Are you fucking serious?" the judge yelled at the warden.

Sandy hadn't said a word yet.

"I didn't know," Mr. Louis repeated.

"It's on videotape!" she yelled.

"The tapes are monitored 24 hours a day…"

"A conspiracy that big and you didn't know it was happening…"

"Where is my son," Sandy stated, not asking.

"The paramedics are in with him, the police are holding the others down the hall…"

"This facility is officially closed pending a federal investigation, call your superiors and find placement for these kids now…"

Sandy stepped into the room and saw the cluster of paramedics.

He'd seen Ryan shirtless only a few hours before so he could see the fresh damage. The boot print on his side. The unnaturally bent hand. The ripped stitches and fresh welts.

One of the medics was snapping pictures and gave him a sympathetic glance. "It's better when they're unconscious, they get upset if they're awake for it."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"He needs x-rays. New sutures and…he's going to be off his feet for a while. But he'll heal."

"I want to ride with him," Sandy said and the man nodded.

He returned to the judge who was speaking into her phone. "He's a minor. No press, nothing with his name, no pictures…"

"Of course, Mr. Cohen. His identity will be protected, you have my word."

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

He woke up this time with an old lady smiling at him.

"Good morning, kiddo. I'll get your dad, okay?"

He felt better. Anesthetized.

Hospital. His wrist had an icepack taped to it and he was naked under the blankets and his paper dress.

He didn't even care anymore.

He was out of the hole and he'd make Sandy take him home. He needed a long shower and a lot of soap. Then his bed.

Sandy rushed in with Seth on his heels. "Ryan…"

"Long day, huh?" he said, forgetting his sore throat.

"You okay, man?" Seth asked.

He reached out his good fist to tap knuckles. "Better now."

"We're going to take you home as soon as they put the cast on your wrist, the swelling needs to go down a little more…" Sandy explained.

"Can you rush them?"

"Seth, go get his doctor, the blond one," Sandy said. He could tell that Sandy wanted to talk to him alone.

Seth hurried from the room.

Sandy pulled a chair up close to the bed.

Ryan could see in his eyes that he knew what had happened because he had that understated look of horror and pity on his face.

"Did you tell Seth?"

"No. That's up to you…will you tell me about it?"

Ryan studied him with tired eyes. "Looks like you already know…"

"I need to hear it from you…"

"Why? If you already know, then why do you want me to talk about it?" Ryan asked him.

Sandy watched him. "It's not the first time it's happened to you, is it?"

"I'm not going to have some kind of fucking breakdown, if that's what you mean," Ryan sighed. "I'd just prefer not to talk about it. It's over now. I'm not going to have to go back there, am I?"

"No, Ryan…"

"Then why talk about it?"

"God, Ryan…" Sandy muttered, his eyes flashing with emotion. "I am so sorry…"

"It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's those pervs' fault…and Trey's fault. You did everything you could…" he sighed.

"Ryan…you need to talk about it. I'm…I want you to press charges, I want those bastards to pay…I don't want you to shut this down in the back of your mind…"

"Can we do this later?" Ryan asked. "Because I have had a shitty couple of days and I'd really like to stop talking about this right now…"

Sandy sighed deeply. "I know that you're trying to protect yourself, trying to make me not worry and hoping that I'm going to just forget about all this…but I can't. Those men…they took advantage of you, they hurt you and I swear to you…I'm going to make them pay for it…"

"Sandy…just…let's talk about it later, all right? Later, I'll…I'll tell you whatever you want to know but after spending the last few hours either unconscious or taking a beating, I really want to just enjoy these painkillers a while…" He was prepared to do anything to avoid this conversation. He knew that the damage of talking about it would be worse for his mental health than the actual abuse.

"Okay, kid."

"And don't tell Seth…he wouldn't understand and I don't want to be the one to explain it to him," Ryan said quietly.

"Fine," Sandy nodded, patting his good hand despite Ryan's instinctive flinch.

"Sorry."

"It's okay, kid."

Seth returned with the doctor in tow. "Orthopedist at your request."

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

"Dad. Dad? Dad, you're freaking me out," Seth said as he watched his father pace outside Ryan's hospital room.

"Sorry. I just want him home," he replied.

"The doctor's putting the cast on him now, why don't you go get the car and get some air," Seth suggested.

"I…"

"You've already signed all the paperwork to get him released and you're really stressing me out right now. Don't stress Ryan out, too. He's okay and he's coming home with us and we're locking him in the poolhouse for at least a week so he can't get beat up anymore. I've got the air mattress all ready for a campout, I made Hailey blow it up before she left. Go get the car." Seth finally had to put his hands on his father's shoulders to stop him.

"Okay. I'll meet you out front."

"Good boy," Seth nodded, watching his father hurry away.

"He's all ready to go. Use the wheelchair to get him to the car, we don't want him on his feet any more than he needs to be," the doctor said, opening the door and letting Seth inside.

"Can do. You ready, bro?"

"So fucking ready. Where's your dad?" Ryan asked, seated in the chair with a fresh cast on his wrist and part of his forearm. His hand was going to be useless for a while.

"Meeting us out front. I feel like I'm bringing a soldier home from war or something, you're lucky Dad doesn't know where the ticker tape is…"

"You didn't tell your mom, did you?" he asked. Seth started pushing the wheelchair down the hall.

"Can't talk to her for 72 hours after she's been admitted. We've probably got another 36 or so to go before we can even get in touch with her," Seth replied.

"What are you going to tell her?"

"Are you not talking to her or something?" Seth replied. "I'm going to tell her that Summer and me are doing fine, I miss her and I hope she's okay. You can tell her what you want."

Ryan relaxed slightly in the wheelchair.

"So, are you really okay?" Seth asked.

"I'll be okay once I get home. What do the girls know?" Ryan asked.

"Marissa's at Summer's, they're both worried about you, they know you and Trey are both locked up…that's all I told them."

Ryan nodded.

Something was different about him, Seth could tell. But he wasn't going to grill him now about what happened in there. He'd tell him eventually. Seth would make sure of that.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Ryan was fucking glad to be home. He opened the door to the car but didn't step out.

"You're going straight to bed, okay?" Sandy said, hurrying to his side of the car to help him out.

"Can I get a sandwich or something first? And a shower?" Ryan asked, accepting his hand to support himself as he got out.

"Of course, kid…"

"I'll make the sandwich, I'm starving, too. We'll eat in the poolhouse. Dad, no mustard, right?"

"Right, Seth. Thank you," Sandy said.

Ryan nodded his thanks as well. Seth was being entirely too non-inquisitive. Ryan was waiting for the shoe to drop.

"Let's go slow, all right? I don't want you to strain yourself anymore."

"I'm okay, Sandy. I can walk. I'm just…really, really sore," Ryan admitted.

Sandy didn't let go of his good arm and kept him walking slow. "I didn't watch the tape," Sandy said quietly.

Ryan stopped cold and looked at him. "There's a tape?"

"A security tape. Got the whole thing, apparently."

"Are you fucking serious?" Ryan blanched. It was all on tape. People were going to see him…like that.

"It'll never see the light of day, Ryan…"

"Fuck…" Ryan muttered.

"Ryan. No one has to see it…"

"But people are going to see it. They're going to see me…"

Sandy held his gaze. "Judge Thompson told me that your face is obscured the whole time…"

"It doesn't matter, Sandy," he sighed, starting to walk again. "Fuckers…"

"Ryan…I didn't mean to upset you, I just…"

"I'm glad you didn't see it, Sandy. I don't want you to see it. I don't want you to tell Seth or Kirsten, I'd appreciate it if you kept the whole…incident to yourself."

"I…I'll respect your wishes on one condition," Sandy said.

"Yeah?"

"You talk to me. When you're ready…" Sandy said slowly.

"I already told you that I would…" Ryan replied.

"I know. But I want you to mean it…I don't want you to think you have to get over this all by yourself…I'm here…"

"I know," Ryan nodded as they finally reached the poolhouse. He stepped away from Sandy and turned. "I'm going to take a shower before I scratch my eyes out."

Sandy nodded.

"Just…wait for me? I'll think about what you need to hear…" Ryan said before going into the bathroom with a handful of hastily grabbed clothes.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Sandy folded down the covers on the bed. He went to Ryan's mini-fridge and got two bottles of juice. He took sandwiches and chips from Seth and ordered him to bed. His son was too tired to even argue about the inflatable air mattress and listened to him for once.

Ryan stepped out of the bathroom finally dressed in a pair of drawstring pants and no shirt. Sandy was relieved to see that he'd managed to keep his cast dry and still get clean.

"I could take a million showers and it wouldn't really change that I feel dirty," Ryan sighed, staggering slightly as he took a step.

Sandy immediately went to his side and steadied him carefully, ignoring the flinch at his contact.

"I'm going to be jumpy for a while…"

"Don't apologize, I don't blame you," Sandy replied, quietly.

"Not speaking from personal experience, though, are you?" Ryan said.

"No. It's never…" he couldn't finish. He couldn't fathom what had happened to Ryan. Under his watch. Under his protection.

"That's why I'm so pissed off at Trey, because he has personal experience…he knows what it's like to be fucked against his will…for him to do that to Marissa…he's a fucking coward just like his father…"

"Your father…"

"Is a bastard. Fresno was hell," Ryan whispered, sitting down heavily on his bed.

Sandy was silent and finally Ryan continued.

"It isn't the first time, Sandy. I'm sorry, but it's not. My dad…until he went to jail. He'd punish us in front of mom, make sure we were good and stunned…and in the night, he'd come into the bedroom. He liked me more than Trey…so Trey just had to keep his mouth shut and stay in bed, we shared a room…He knew…he knows…Rape…it's the one thing I won't forgive," he said, his blue eyes cold. "Trey's dead to me."

"How old were you?" Sandy whispered, too stunned to think freely.

"Old enough. It was better when I got to Chino. But you'd be surprised how many men consider…that…as an appropriate punishment. It wasn't the last time. Mom never knew and Trey got the hell out of dodge so I don't know if…if it ever happened to him after Fresno."

"Ryan…"

"I won't talk about it. No one knows. Just you. And Trey. Not Teresa or Marissa or anyone else. It's not something I'll ever talk about, even with a shrink. I got through it. I got over it. Now this…" Ryan hesitated. "I don't want to think about what this is going to do to my brain, Sandy…it took a lot for me to be a functioning member of society and not a piece of sniveling trash…"

"You are not trash and I doubt you know how to snivel," Sandy replied.

Ryan smiled sadly. "Thanks. But I can snivel with the best of them."

"Here." Sandy held out his sandwich and Ryan accepted it, taking a bite.

They both ate in silence, digesting their conversation so far.

"I'm taking the meds. To prevent HIV, just in case. It might make me sick but it'll keep me from being infected in case…in case the fuckers gave me something," Ryan said, passing his empty plate back to Sandy.

"I'm glad." Sandy put their plates aside and reached out, putting his hand against Ryan's face tenderly. "You're too important for me to lose right now."

"I'm not going anywhere," Ryan replied, not pulling away. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm so fucking glad I passed out…"

Sandy was stricken by the thought that the men had used Ryan while he was unconscious.

"I just want to forget about the whole thing…I want the fuckers to pay, but I don't want to get up in court and speak my nightmares aloud…that'll just give them that much more power over me…" Ryan whispered.

"We'll figure it out. I won't make you testify. I'll make sure the tape's protected…"

"Don't watch it, Sandy. If you respect me at all…"

"Don't worry, kid. I won't. I…I'm glad you told me…everything. I know it was hard…"

Ryan's blue eyes bored into his. "I never told anyone, Sandy. Do you realize what that means?"

Sandy nodded. "You can trust me."

Ryan's eyes changed color, dulling as he lowered them. "I'm going to pass out if I don't lie down."

"Do you mind if I…"

"Keep the monsters away? You don't have to, Sandy. But if it'll make you feel better…feel free," Ryan said. He slid his feet under the covers and didn't protest when Sandy pulled the covers over him.

"Kirsten and I talk about how we never got to tuck you in when you were young," Sandy said quietly, pulling his chair close to the bed. "All those years when we didn't even know you…we didn't get to see you taking your first step…getting your first haircut…we didn't get to teach you how to ride a bike or drive a car…"

Ryan's eyes were closed but he smiled faintly.

Sandy continued, wanting to relax him into sleep. "You're a son to us, even if you don't believe it. We don't deserve you but we love you and we're not planning on letting go of you for a very long time. I learn more about you every day, how strong you are, how smart and caring, how much you've overcome…I love you more every day…"

Ryan's chest was rising and falling and Sandy could tell he was asleep. He leaned back.

"Sweet dreams, kid."

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Seth answered the phone groggily, searching for coffee with his other hand. God it was bright. "Hello?"

"Seth?"

"Hey, mom, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, honey…"

"Don't say…"

"I'm much better, Seth. Sober. For the first time in a long time. How are you?"

"I'm fine, Mom…"

"Really? I'm sorry for having to leave…"

"Mom," he said seriously. "You needed to go. I'm the one who should be sorry. For this summer and for not seeing…for not seeing that you were hurting."

"It's not your fault, Seth, I didn't want you to see…"

He could hear her crying as he walked outside. His dad must still be in the poolhouse.

"I'm glad you're getting help. We miss you around here."

"Is everything okay? Any news I should know about?"

Seth shook his head before remembering he was on the phone. "No, no, everything's cool. Me and Summer…we're trying to get serious again."

He could tell his mother was smiling as he walked into the poolhouse. "That's great, Seth. She's a special girl."

"I know."

His dad was asleep on the air mattress, sprawled out in his rumpled suit. Ryan's head wasn't even visible under the mound of blankets on his bed.

"I know you want to talk to Dad, can you hold on a second?" Seth asked.

"Sure, honey."

Seth put the phone down and leaned over, shaking his father gently until he woke up. "Mom's on the phone."

"What time is it?" Sandy asked, reaching out his hand.

Seth handed him the phone. "Afternoon."

His dad took the phone and sat up, speaking into it softly before walking outside.

Seth walked over and examined his best friend's bed.

Ryan's blond hair was visible but he was buried under the covers.

Seth didn't want to wake him. His curiosity would have to wait. He saw the small community of prescription bottles on the nightstand and sat down in the chair, picking up the pamphlets. He didn't want Ryan to fall over because of some freaky side effect and him not know what happened.

He'd made it through the first two when his father stepped inside and called his name. "Seth. Put them down."

"What?" Seth asked, confused.

"The pamphlets. Put them down and come out here," his dad ordered.

Seth was too curious to argue, something weird was definitely going on. He closed the door to the poolhouse quietly.

"Seth, what the hell were you doing?"

"I was seeing what medicine Ryan's taking, so I wouldn't do anything that would make him, I don't know, have a seizure or something…what's your deal?" Seth asked.

His father flushed. "Sorry…but, you can't read those. I'll tell you whatever you want to know, you don't have to read those."

"Why can't I read those? They're just medication instructions, they aren't going to tell me anything about what happened to him…" Seth snapped. His father was scolding him when he hadn't done anything wrong.

"Seth…it's complicated. This whole mess is complicated…" Sandy said.

"Dad, there's something you're not telling me. You're lying to me. Why don't you want me to see what medication he's taking?"

Sandy hesitated. Finally, he lowered his voice and stepped forward. "The doctors are making him take antidepressants and he's upset about it. He doesn't want you to think he's…unstable or anything and he asked me not to tell you…"

Seth stared at his father. "You're lying. It's not that. Why are you lying? You didn't tell me that mom was a drunk and now you're lying to me about Ryan…Dad, I want to know. Now"

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Ryan sat up slowly, blankets piled on top of him. He was still cold. He'd had nightmares all night but he had been too exhausted to wake up from them.

He remembered when his father left. Ryan hadn't slept for more than four hours a night when his dad had lived with them.

The first night his father was locked up, his mother took him and Trey out to eat at a Chinese buffet restaurant. They stayed until the place shut down.

Ryan had been scared. His father was a bastard, a truly cruel man, but he'd kept them safe so far from the outside elements. He didn't know what his family was going to do now.

That night he'd shivered in his bed with Trey watching him from across the room. Finally, Trey got out of bed and walked over, lying down with him on top of the blankets.

"It's okay, buddy. I'll keep you safe now, okay?"

Ryan had felt safe. His brother. Trey kept him safe then.

Ryan hadn't done well for a few months, he rarely talked, rarely ate and spent a lot of time in bed or doing chores. His mother considered his silence an insult for a long time, she never considered that his withdrawal was a sign of anything other than a tantrum.

He didn't want to do that again. He didn't want to be that cowardly little victim.

But he didn't think he could get out of bed today. The sun was just too bright and his head hurt and he was freezing.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**


	2. Chapter 2

"Ryan. Ryan, wake up," Seth pushed past him into the poolhouse.

Slowly Ryan's good hand snaked from under the covers and folded the blankets down to reveal his face. "Morning, Seth."

"Dad's lying to me."

Sandy stepped in. "Seth, drop it, now."

"No, Dad. What aren't you telling me?" Seth demanded.

Ryan's face hardened. "You're a nosy bitch."

"What?" Seth recoiled.

"You heard me. Why can't you leave things alone, why can't you trust me and just leave it alone?" Ryan snapped.

Seth was pale, even Sandy was stunned by Ryan's harshness.

"I…I'm sorry, Seth…but I'm asking you…please…leave it alone," Ryan whispered, covering his face.

"Okay, Ryan…I'll…I'll leave it alone," Seth said, glancing at his father. They were both worried and surprised b y Ryan's mood.

"I'm going to take a shower and lie down again. Can I have some space?" Ryan asked.

"Come on, Dad. He'll be okay," Seth said, taking his father by the elbow and leading him outside.

"Seth…"

"I'm dropping it. I'm dropping it right now because that Ryan is not a happy Ryan and I don't like that Ryan," Seth said seriously, worried. "I don't care what happened or what you're not telling me but I need to know what we're going to do about the scary angry Ryan that's in there…"

"I'm sorry, Seth, he's going through a rough time."

"There's no call for all that, though. I'll be inside if you need me," Seth said, walking away in a rush.

Sandy didn't know what the hell he was going to do. He hadn't told Kirsten about what happened. He needed her to tell him what to do. He needed some kind of guidance. Seth was upset with him for lying and Ryan was upset with everyone.

He took a deep breath. He was the adult here. He would take charge. He stepped back into the poolhouse. He didn't hear the shower running like he expected and he stepped over near the bathroom door. "Ryan?"

There was no answer.

"Ryan?" He waited thirty more seconds before he tried the door. It was unlocked and he pushed it open a crack. "Ryan, I'm coming in."

Ryan was leaning heavily on the sink with his good hand supporting him. His hair was hanging in his face and he was breathing shallowly.

"Ryan…" Sandy didn't touch him, knowing the Ryan would flinch at the contact and not wanting to upset him further. "Ryan, what is it?"

Finally, Ryan moved, glancing at him. "Dizzy."

"Sit down a minute, you probably got up too fast. I'm going get Rosa to make you something to eat, you probably need to get some sugar in your system, all right?"

Ryan nodded, sitting down on his closed toilet.

"Take some deep breaths," Sandy said, filling a cup with water and holding it out to him.

"I'll explain it to Seth. I shouldn't have snapped on him," Ryan whispered, accepting the cup and draining it quickly.

"Ryan, don't worry about Seth, he's just worried about you."

"Can you get my meds? I still…I want to shower and go back to bed."

Sandy nodded. He didn't know if Ryan should be going back to bed so soon, but the boy was so beaten that he couldn't deny him the rest. "Stay right there, don't get up, okay?" He hurried back into the main room and gathered up the prescriptions that Ryan needed to take now.

Ryan didn't even look up when Sandy returned. He accepted the pills in his hand and swallowed them before accepting the refilled cup from Sandy.

"Its supposed to be easier this time," Ryan said quietly.

"Easier?"

"Since it's happened before…it should be easier for me to deal with…but…I feel like I'm sinking again."

"Sinking?" Sandy whispered, needing him to continue.

"Yeah. Sinking…I don't want to go back there, Sandy…to the dark places…but I can't change the way I feel…" Ryan continued.

"Here's what we'll do, kid, okay? Get your shower, take your time and when you get done, we'll talk. Or not talk, whatever you feel like. But I want you inside, okay? I don't want you pushing us away right now…me and Seth…we're here for you, okay? No sinking…"

"No sinking…" Ryan muttered.

"Okay?"

Ryan nodded. "Shower first." He hesitated but finally got to his feet. Steadier.

"Okay. I'll be outside when you're done."

"Thanks."

Sandy closed the door behind him and stepped out. He took a deep breath. He was going to need help.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

"Sophie Cohen."

"Mom?"

"Sandy? What do I owe this pleasure?" she smiled. She loved hearing from her son.

"How are you, Ma?"

"Doing well, I'm back in New York, I got tired of all the sun, you know I usually only last a couple of weeks in Miami every year..."

"I'm surprised you haven't let go of the condo as little as you use it," he replied.

"We all need a vacation sometimes, you know? What's going on?"

"You know that Caleb died, don't you?"

Sophie gasped. She had gotten a voicemail from him last week but hadn't called him back immediately. "Oh no…when?"

"About five days ago. I…I'm calling about something else, though, Mom. And I need you…I need you to swear that you won't repeat this. Not to Seth, not to Kirsten, not to anyone," he said.

"What is it Sandford?"

"Ryan…it's…I knew he had a rough life, I've got his file, I knew that he had it tough…but…something happened to him, it's a really long story, but…"

"Spit it out, Sandy." She was getting worried. Sandy loved Ryan almost as much as he loved his own son. She hadn't seen what he saw in her first meeting with the quiet boy, but when they'd come to Miami, Ryan had made a point to try and connect with her.

"I know when you worked your cases as a social worker that some of your kids had…they were abused…sexually…"

"Sandy, what are you talking about? Ryan was sexually abused?"

"It's such a mess…" Sandy muttered. "It's all my fault, they arrested him and he hadn't done anything wrong and while he was in there the guards…they…god, I don't want to say they molested him because it was worse than that…they raped him, Ma, they beat him and raped him…and he was so tough, so strong, he…he's worked so hard to get over his past, but this…"

"Sandy…calm down…did you tell the police?" She sat down. This was not what she expected to hear.

"That's not the point, that's all under control, they shut the whole detention center down pending an investigation, the point is…I don't know how to help him…I don't know what to do, it's like, we brought him home and he talked to me, like really told me things, about his past, about his childhood and I thought…I thought that it would help, but today…oh, Ma…I don't have any experience with this…"

She was worried about her son, she'd never heard him like this, not when Kirsten's mother died, not when Seth had mono, never. "Sandy, where are you right now?"

"The kitchen. Ryan's in the shower. I told him that once he was done, I didn't want him locking himself in the poolhouse, that I wanted him inside so he wouldn't be alone…but…I don't even know where to start…"

"Sandy. You can't fix him. You just have to be there for him…where's Kirsten?" she asked.

"She's…god, Ma…"

Sophie took a deep breath and opened up her purse to pull out her calendar. "You're paying for my plane ticket…"

"No, you don't have to come out here, that's not what I was asking…"

"I know, you didn't ask. But Kirsten's not there, is she?"

"No…she…I sent her away…to get some help…its…"

"I'm not coming out there to judge you…but it seems like you need a little help and I don't think you want to go outside the family…"

"Don't, Ma…Ryan would never forgive me if he knew I told you," Sandy whispered.

"He'll never know, Sandford. I promise. But…let me help you."

After a long pause, Sandy sighed. "Just tell me what to do, Ma…"

"You're a good father. You know what to do. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Thanks, Ma…"

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Ryan felt like his legs were made of lead. And his eyelids. Shit, his whole body. He was walking in a fog. He recognized the fresh stack of clothes and dressed slowly. It was almost like he was so cold that his limbs were freezing in place. He was stiff with cold.

He was gradually losing his ability to think. The pain, the memories, the guilt, the disgust, the anger.

He could feel his control slipping away. He needed to lie down. Get his bearings.

He stepped out.

"Better?"

Ryan waved his casted hand. "So-so."

"Rosa's got breakfast for you inside…"

"Can I sit down first?"

Sandy nodded, watching him.

Every step was a struggle. He finally sat down on his bed. He was dizzy. Nauseous. And he hurt. Everywhere. "I know you want me to come inside…but I'm really…beat," he admitted.

"You need to eat something."

He shook his head. Not yet. Juice? And…I need to talk to Seth. Might as well diffuse him now before he sics Marissa or Summer on me."

"Ryan…he's not going to take it well…"

Ryan sighed. "He'll take it better coming from me or you than finding it out on his own. Can you get him for me? Because…I just want to lie down. Before I pass out."

"How do you feel, Ryan? Are the painkillers working? Should I call a doctor?"

"No," Ryan waved him off. "But I might take another vicoden if you gave it to me."

Sandy walked over and studied the bottle. "If you eat something, I'll give you another one. Deal?"

"I'll try. But get Seth. I need to get this done. Did you tell Kirsten?"

"No. But I'm going to tell her about your arrest and everything because she needs to know."

"Okay."

"I'll be right back with juice and something to put on your stomach. Sit tight."

Ryan relaxed once he heard the door close. He leaned back and slid his feet under the covers.

It wasn't as cold under the covers.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Seth glanced up from his toast when his dad walked in. "Hey."

"He wants to talk to you. Explain…what we're lying to you about. I just hope you don't regret asking him," Sandy stated.

Seth was surprised. "But he was just…"

"It's not for public consumption. And I can promise you that if you break his confidence, if you tell anyone…he'll never forgive you. And I don't know if I will either. Understand?"

Seth nodded, sensing the gravity of his father's words.

"And I have to tell you something, too. I…I called my mother. She's flying in to…to help."

"The Nana? You called the Nana? Dad, you know I love the Nana but if she starts in about Mom…"

"I won't let her. I hope that she's coming to help, not to judge…"

Seth shook his head. It was like the whole world was going crazy.

"I just…I need my mother right now, too. I need you, son…we're going to have to stick together to get through this, all right?"

He nodded. He would trust his father. Seemed like it really was getting down to him and his dad. "Ryan likes the Nana. But…"

"Let's go talk to him before he goes back to sleep."

He felt better when his dad put his arm around him. "It's bad, isn't it."

"Yes. It's very bad. But the thing to remember is that he's safe with us now and he's strong and he's going to get through this. He's still the same kid, before and after. All right?"

Seth had no idea what was coming.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Ryan woke up as soon as the door opened, startled.

"Sorry. Fall asleep?" Sandy asked.

"A little," he answered, sitting up fully and nodding to Seth.

"Hey."

"Sorry about the rage blackout. Sit down."

Seth glanced at Sandy who stayed by the door.

"He can stay if you want him to. He knows about it. Hopefully he won't freak out all over again," Ryan said.

Seth nodded and Sandy closed the door and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed while Seth took a seat.

"Ryan, if you don't want to tell me…"

"But you're never going to let it go if I don't tell you," he sighed, putting a hand over his face. "So, we'll start with the meds and work backwards, all right?"

"Okay," Seth said hesitantly.

"I'm taking these HIV prevention drugs, it's a cocktail they give you if you've been exposed to HIV, it works sometimes to stop HIV in people that have been exposed."

Seth was glancing between him and his dad, his brown eyes dark with confusion. "When were you exposed?"

Ryan tried to think of the simplest, most painless way to explain it. "You ever watch that show, Oz?"

Seth's face tightened. "You better say somebody stuck you with a needle…"

"No."

Seth opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

"It's over now, and the fuckers are going to pay but that's why I'm so jumpy and that's why I didn't want you nosing around, it's private shit, personal shit…you understand?"

Seth nodded slowly. "Are you…are you okay? Like…"

"I'll be all right, Seth. But…when I say it's personal…" Ryan felt like he needed to drive home how important it was to him to keep his assault a secret.

"I get it. God…I get it, Ryan…anything you need…just tell me what you need…" Seth said, his face not laced with pity like he expected. More like fear. Or understanding.

Ryan sighed. "I need to sleep. Or something. I'm really useless today," he said, turning to Sandy.

"Dude. Thanks for telling me. And I'll never bring it up again if that's how you want it," Seth said, standing up shakily.

"Thanks, Seth."

Sandy moved the plate of food in front of Ryan. "Eat something."

Ryan picked up a slice of toast and waved the rest away. "Light." Seth held out a bottle of juice before realizing that Ryan couldn't open it with his broken bones. He pulled off the top.

"Four hours, Ryan and I'm going to wake you for more pills, okay?"

"Fine. Thanks. I'm just…too tired to really have anything else to say right now," Ryan sighed honestly. He needed to sleep. He needed to rest.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

As soon as Ryan's breathing evened out, Seth bolted for the door. Sandy followed him, instantly concerned.

Seth had hunched over one of the azalea bushes heaving up his breakfast.

"Seth?" Sandy hurried over and rubbed his son's back, trying to help him stop.

"Sorry…okay now…" Seth panted finally, leaning back.

"You okay?"

"God, Dad…how the hell did that happen to him? Who did it? Was it one of those punk juvie kids? Because…can't we have them killed or something? There has to be something…something that we can do…" Seth ran out of words as his father hugged him.

"Seth…"

"It makes me sick, Dad…he's my best friend…he's never done anything to deserve…to deserve what's happened to him…it's not fair…"

Sandy held his son as Seth started to cry. "I know, Seth…I know." God, he needed his wife right now.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Sophie knocked on the front door as the taxi dropped her off. She'd slept on the plane and now she was wired. She felt healthier than she'd ever been before the cancer. She felt like she'd been given a second chance and she wasn't about to blow it. She walked every morning, ate healthy and took her medication like instructed. Apart from her little coffee problem, which was possibly the true source of her energy, she had too much energy to wait ouside, she wanted to get inside the house.

She tried the knob finally. Of course it would be unlocked, Sandford had no concern for safety in his little mansion.

"Hello! Sandy? Sethela? Anybody?" she called. She put her bags in the guest room and went in search of her family.

Ryan lived in the poolhouse, she remembered that. She stopped in the kitchen long enough to pour herself a cup of coffee and walked out into the California sun toward the small building.

Sandy and Seth were unshaven and dozing in the two seats at the end of the bed. The room was a mess, discarded take out containers, magazines, books and electronics were strewn across the room. She could barely make out Ryan's blond mop from beneath the dark sheets.

She cleared her throat and both her son and grandson snapped awake.

"Nana," Seth smiled, standing up and embracing her warmly.

She smoothed his rowdy curls with her hands. "Sethela, still growing, getting more handsome every time I see you. But you need to shave and get a shower, okay? The Nana is here to help and you look like you need to sleep in a real bed." She turned her attention to Sandy, pulling him into a hug.

"Thanks, Ma…" he whispered.

"Go get some rest. I'm going to clean up in here and give the kid a once-over. We can talk in a few hours, once you get some sense back in those eyes," she said. She could tell that he was barely staying awake.

"He's been asleep awhile. He'll need his meds in about thirty minutes and he'll probably want to take a shower…"

"He takes a lot of showers," Seth murmured with a yawn. "Call me if you need me, I'm going to take advantage and lie down horizontally."

Sandy waited until Seth was gone to speak again. "He knows you're coming, but…he's not really comfortable with touching or hugging or anything, he needs his space. If you can get him to eat…god, I'll give you cash on the spot, but we've managed to keep him hydrated…the drugs make him nauseous I think…"

"Sandy. Go get some rest. I've got this. I'll call you if I need you, just like Seth. Go."

Sophie watched him walk away, hesitant to leave, but finally accepting that he wasn't any good in his exhausted state. She wanted to know about Kirsten, but she knew it wasn't the time.

She opened the blinds on all the windows, illuminating the room with light. She even opened one of the doors so the fresh air could hopefully blow out some of the staleness. She glanced at Ryan but he hadn't stirred.

It took her about a half an hour to clean up the poolhouse, filling two bags with garbage and two laundry baskets.

She sat down in the chair her son had vacated and took a moment to examine the prescription bottles that were gathered in a shoebox. There was a small printed list with the time and the name of pill that Ryan would need every day. She checked the watch on the wall and gathered the pills in a small pile on the table beside Ryan's bed before leaning over and carefully folding the blanket down.

She was startled by his bruised face and from what she could see of his chest, the rest of his body was just as brutalized. "Ryan? Ryan, its Nana…you need to wake up for your pills."

After a moment, one of Ryan's eyes cracked opened suspiciously. "Nana."

"Hi."

Ryan opened both his eyes but stopped, pulling the sheets up in embarrassment.

"Don't worry, kid, I raised three boys, you don't have to worry. I'm not going to hurt you, but I have to admit that I don't really trust Sandy to patch you up, he never really was one for blood and gore," she said, trying to relax him as she patiently folded the sheet back down and put her hand behind his pillow to urge him to sit upright. "His father, though, oh, he could throw a barstool with the best of them. Before the kids came along, it was like I was icing him down every weekend," she said.

Ryan had actually relaxed slightly and sat up stiffly.

He'd taken a beating all right. A bad one. No wonder he was staying in bed, he didn't seem in any shape to be anywhere outside of a hospital.

"How do you feel?"

"Sore," he answered quietly, putting his feet on the floor and running a hand through his hair. He was shivering.

"Cold?"

"Always. Doesn't matter the temperature these days. Getting better."

She held out his pills and he accepted them. "How are you? You look…really good."

"Thanks," she replied automatically before it hit her that he was changing the subject.

"Um, I'm going to get dressed, okay?" he said, starting to get up.

"Has anyone checked your stitches?"

"I'm fine…Nana."

She chuckled, taking his good arm and pulling him gently to his feet. "It always hurts you to say that. You can call me Sophie if you want, kid."

"Yeah?" he smiled slightly.

"Yeah," she said. He was going to trust her before she left this poolhouse again.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Ryan Atwood knew he was losing his mind. Or something. Sandy's notoriously shrewish mother was playing nursemaid and being genuinely kind to him. She still had a sharp tongue and he knew that she was trying to get him to let her help him but it was still slightly surreal.

The Nana, now Sophie, was currently strategically placing band-aids on his back. To help with the scarring, she had said. He was too stunned by her patient kindness to even say anything.

"Now. Next on the agenda. You are moving into the main house for a while. You can't be out here all separated…"

"I'm comfortable here," he protested.

"But I'm not, I have nowhere to sleep, nowhere to cook and Sandy says you aren't eating right but I know it's just because they're not feeding you right. So come on, humor an old woman."

Ryan reluctantly got up and took the sweatshirt that she offered. She insisted on helping him pull it over his casted wrist and hand. He didn't want to think about what she knew.

"Now. You're going to stretch out on the couch and watch something with preferably no gunfire or cursing and I'm going to make you some home-cooked food that'll be easy on your stomach. Deal?"

"I don't have much choice…"

"You aren't even convincingly grumpy, I have lots to teach you," she snickered, taking his good arm and setting a slow pace for their journey into the house.

He was steady by the time they got to the kitchen, but he was dizzy from the short distance. He settled onto the couch immediately. She gave him the remote and he flipped the TV on obediently.

"I'll get you some juice, just relax."

He settled on the Cartoon Network on one of Seth's random anime shows. He leaned back into the plush couch. His eyes drifted closed before she could even return with the juice.

The dreams came almost immediately. Bound hands. The taste of blood. Whispered threats. Pain.

He woke up with a jolt and glanced at the clock. He'd only been asleep for about five minutes. If he'd even been asleep. Flashbacks, nightmares, all the same to him.

"Ryan? You okay?"

"Sure," he lied, accepting the glass of juice. His hands were shaking.

"You don't look okay. I only left you a minute…" Sophie was concerned and sat down beside him.

"I'm fine. Thanks."

"Okay. You don't want to talk about it, that's fine. What do you want me to make for you?"

"Anything will be fine," he answered automatically.

She puts her palm against his forehead as if she's checking for fever. "You're actually cold. I'll get you a blanket…"

"I can get it. It'll be good for me to move around," Ryan said, shaking off her hand. "Really…I'm fine…" he started to get up.

"Don't even try it. I'm here now and I won't have you doing anything for yourself. Not today. Stay there and finish that juice."

Ryan let himself sink back into the cushions again. He closed his eyes again.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

"Dad?"

Sandy sat up, blinking away sleep. It was night according to the outside lights shining in his window. "Seth. Come on in."

Seth was changed and looked much better than when he'd seen him last but his eyes were haunted. He walked in slowly and sat down on the end of the bed.

"What's wrong, son?" Sandy asked.

"It's…is Ryan going to be all right? Like…with what happened to him? Is he going to be all right?" Seth asked.

"He's tough…"

"That tough? Tough enough to deal with prison rape and beatings? Like…is he that tough? Because, if it was me…I know I wouldn't be that tough…"

Sandy put his hand on Seth's shoulder to reassure him. "We're here for him. We'll get him through it…"

"You said that he was the same Ryan…and I know you're right…but how is that even possible? How can he just…get over what happened?" Seth asked. "I just…I can't wrap my head around it."

"Seth, I don't know. This is new to me, too…all I know is that we have to show him that we still think of him as the same kid, that we love him and that we're here for him. If he wants to talk…we need to be ready to listen…I honestly don't know how he's dealing with this, I don't think he does either, he's just…it's all about self-preservation, Seth. He's doing what he needs to do to block out what happened…he couldn't fight back, he couldn't stop them, it was against his will…"

"At least now I feel a little better knowing you're just as clueless as I am," Seth admitted.

"I'm going to try to convince him to talk to someone…someone that has more experience…with…rape." Sandy didn't want to say the word but since Seth had used it, he felt like it was needed. "But he's…he's so dead-set against talking about it that I don't know how that's going to work."

"I'll convince him. He can yell at me all he wants, but I'll convince him. Nobody's going to mess with him again…" Seth said seriously. "I'm going to be his official bodyguard from now on. I just need a can of mace…"

"Just…be his friend, Seth. Ryan…he'll let us know if he needs us…"

"Ryan? He'd burst into flames before he told us he needed us…" Seth replied dryly.

"He'll tell us in his own way. Did you get any sleep?"

"I slept like a bitch, I was really tired. But I'm running out of stalls for the girls. Summer and Marissa are getting desperate and I wouldn't put it past them to show up unannounced after our impromptu hiatus," Seth admitted.

"Let's go check on the Nana. Maybe she cooked."

Seth's eyes lit up. "You think?"

"Come on," Sandy said, getting out of bed. He was dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt so he didn't feel the need to change right away. He followed his son down the stairs.

His mother had been working hard. There was a wide selection of food spread across the counter, of all kinds. Chinese stir-fry, rice, chili, hot dogs, meatloaf, clam chowder, cornbread and fish, French fries and hash browns. Apparently she'd cooked everything in the freezer and cabinets.

"Look out behind you," her voice carried to his ears.

Seth hurried past him to the den. "Nana?"

Ryan and the Nana were battling ninjas on the flat-screen.

"Oh my god," Sandy stated.

"I'm one handed, I needed her help," Ryan replied flatly.

"The guys at the condo would love this," his mother said.

"I've got to get my camera," Seth said, rushing upstairs.

"How's everything going?" Sandy asked. Maybe his mother's visit wasn't going to be so bad.

"I got the boy to eat, so I think you owe me some cash," she said, putting down her controller and patting Ryan on the knee. "Lie down again. You need to try and sleep. I'm going to feed the other boys and then I'll let you stay up awhile."

Ryan glanced at him. He didn't know why it felt so good to see his tired eyes. Maybe because the fear and agony was gone. Sandy nodded and Ryan gave him a weak smile.

Sandy could swear that he could suddenly see in color again. Everything was brighter.

"Thanks, Sophie," Ryan said. He stretched out on the couch as soon as she stood up. Sandy covered him with a blanket and tentatively put his hand on the boy's forehead. Ryan didn't flinch and closed his eyes. Relaxing. Sandy could breathe again. He left his hand there for a long moment.

His mom wasn't satisfied with his blanket work and quickly tucked it around Ryan, pulling it up to his chin.

Sandy followed his mother into the kitchen. "I don't know what you did, Ma, but…thank you," he said quietly so Ryan could rest.

She hugged him tightly with a sigh. "He's a sweet boy. It's so sad."

"Did he say anything to you?" Sandy asked.

"No. Not about…that. But it's radiating off him in waves. He's still petrified. Guilty…if you say it's happened to him in the past…then he's going to be messed up a while." She reached into the oven and pulled out a pre-made plate of food and put it in front of one of the seats at the counter. He sat down as she handed him his fork and looked at him seriously. "You have to tell Kirsten."

He stared at her.

"I don't care where she is, but I know she loves that boy and she loves you and she would want to know. If she comes back from, wherever she is, and sees him like that…she'll never forgive you."

He kept staring at her.

She sighed, pulling another plate out of the oven and sitting down beside him. "I'm telling you this as a mother. Not your mother, but as a mother in general. Her child's in pain…"

"I don't think she can handle it," Sandy replied honestly.

"He's her child. You have to tell her."

Sandy sighed.

"Eat."

Seth entered with his digital camera. "Did I miss it?"

"Sethela. Sit down and eat. I'll show you what your ninja protégée taught me later," his mother said.

"He said he was my ninja protégée? I'm so awesome," Seth laughed, following his Nana's pointing finger to the oven for his warmed plate.

"He calls you Sophie?" Sandy asked her.

"That's my name," she smiled slyly.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

He couldn't breathe. He was choking and his hands were tied and he hurt…somebody was holding him down, he couldn't get away…

"Ryan!"

He opened his eyes. He was tangled up in the blanket and Sandy was standing over him, trying to get the fabric from where it was twisted around him.

"Sorry. You were talking in your sleep, it sounded like you were choking…"

"Felt like I was choking, too," Ryan said, sitting up as Sandy finally pulled the blanket free. He ran his good hand through his hair, wincing at the pain.

"All right, kid. The Nana and Seth are gone out for groceries so you know what that means, right?" Sandy asked, sitting down at the far end of the couch. Ryan was appreciative to him for keeping his distance. He was still shaking from the dream, he was still panting from the dream.

"Serious conversation time," Ryan answered finally.

"I'm sorry."

"I knew it was coming." He paused. "Does your mom know what happened to me?"

Sandy didn't answer immediately and Ryan read his face. "She was a social worker for thirty-odd years."

Ryan blinked.

"I…I didn't know what else to do…"

"I think it's awesome that you have a mother that would fly halfway across the world just because you asked her to," Ryan stated blankly. So. Sophie knew that he'd been gangbanged in prison. Interesting detail. At least he knew the truth. Oddly, he was a little indifferent about the whole thing. He was just numb right now. But at least he was thinking slightly clearer after the nightmare. The numbness was a little odd, but not disturbing.

"Ryan…are you all right?"

He blinked at Sandy again. "Fine. Serious conversation, let's get to it."

"Ma thinks I should tell Kirsten. I'm asking you…"

Ryan blinked. "You know how I feel."

"She would want to know. She would want to help you," Sandy said.

The numbness wasn't affecting his body, his wrist was throbbing and his head was aching, but it was almost like his emotions had gone from panic to calm so quickly that they were bouncing on a cushion. He wasn't really processing anything emotionally at the moment. He could see Kirsten. Drunk Kirsten, lashing out. Apologetic Kirsten, hugging him goodbye. Happy, loving Kirsten, greeting him fresh from Chino for the second time. Disgusted Kirsten, sending him to foster care.

"Ryan?"

"You know what? I don't think I want to make that decision. You made the decision to tell your mother and she's actually helped, she got you to sleep, made me something that I could actually keep down, and she's good for Seth. Kirsten's sick. But I…I have to trust your judgment right now because…I don't want that responsibility." He didn't know where the words were coming from. It was almost like he was separated from his body. From reality.

"Ryan…son, what's wrong?"

He flinched at the word 'son' and a vision of his father's face looming over him snapped his tether and he gasped, clenching his good hand on the couch.

"Ryan…you're safe, it's Sandy…are you still with me? Ryan, kid, just…say something…"

Ryan pulled his feet onto the couch and wrapped his arms around his knees. Safe. Sandy. Sandy would take care of him. He closed his eyes and tried to hold onto something.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Sandy forced himself to stay calm as he watched Ryan break down in front of him. He should have known that he was pushing too hard with he heard the boy's disassociated voice.

He stood up and walked over. Should he touch him? Would he flip out? Hurt himself trying to escape?

"Okay, kid, we can do this, let's both just chill out and take a step back and figure out what to do about all this…" Sandy spoke in a calm even voice, much like he used when he had talked Ryan to sleep after his confession. He took a chance and reached out, touching Ryan's uncasted arm ignoring the initial flinch.

Ryan was shaking but Sandy started talking again. "How about some fresh air? Huh? I think we both could use some fresh air, the house is all stuffy, can you get up for me?" Sandy pulled gently at his arms and legs until he had unbundled the boy.

As he stood up, he staggered and Sandy gently put an arm around his waist for support. Ryan recoiled, his blue eyes confused and panicked.

"Sandy, it's Sandy, it's okay, why don't you lean on me? I won't put my hands on you," Sandy said, his voice quivering slightly.

"'Kay. Sandy…safe…" Ryan murmured, blinking unsteadily. His hand clasped onto Sandy's arm

"Yeah, safe, you're safe…let's go outside, just for a minute…it'll clear your head…"

"'Kay…" Ryan replied. Sandy realized that the boy was gritting his teeth.

He reached out and snagged a bottle of juice off the counter as they walked slowly past through the open doors onto the patio.

Ryan released his grip slowly and turned his face toward the ocean. There was a slight breeze and Sandy watched as he closed his eyes.

"Better?"

"Mmm…" Ryan replied, still dazed.

Sandy took his hand and wrapped it around the cool bottle with his own, unscrewing the cap before releasing his hold.

Ryan was watching in fascination but he held the bottle upright once Sandy had released him.

"Sugar. It's okay…"

"Not spiked?" Ryan asked blankly.

"No, kid, freshly opened," Sandy replied in his calm voice. He couldn't let Ryan see that he was shaking, too.

Ryan raised it to his lips and closed his eyes again, taking several deep swallows. Sandy took the bottle from him finally and put his hand against Ryan's flushed cheek. Ryan didn't flinch this time. He sighed.

"I'm disconnected," he said flatly. "I…I can't figure out what the hell is going on right now…I can see you," Ryan said, motioning toward Sandy before raising his casted hand. "But I can't feel anything…I mean, I know my arm hurts and stuff…but…what am I supposed to be doing right now?"

Sandy didn't know what to tell him. He didn't know what to do. He needed his son back, not this lifeless, broken spirit. He put his hands on Ryan's shoulders and started running them up and down his arms, as if he was trying to warm him up.

"I want you to take a deep breath, okay? Will you do that?"

Ryan nodded vaguely.

Sandy demonstrated and Ryan mimicked him. "Count to ten," Sandy said. "Now, exhale and do it again…breathe slowly and try and fill your lungs, okay?" He kept rubbing his arms while Ryan took deep breaths. Sandy finally felt the tension start to drain out of Ryan's arms but he lost his color and started to shake more violently.

"Are you going to hate me too?" Ryan asked, his blue eyes still not fully connected to reality because Sandy could tell he was looking right through him.

"Why would I hate you?" Sandy whispered.

"My mom…she hated me…I never told her…but she hated that I wouldn't talk, that I couldn't stop shaking…she hated me for not being a man…"

Sandy started to say something but Ryan spoke again.

"I just…I can't deal right now…I don't want to sink again…but I can't…"

"Breathe, Ryan," Sandy urged as he started to breathe shallowly. "Look at me…look at me, Ryan…"

Ryan finally met his eyes, dazed. Sandy stopped rubbing his arms and held him steady. "You are safe here. I need you to talk to me. I won't let you sink if you just…just let me hold onto you for a while, okay? You can hang onto me so you won't sink…"

Ryan shuddered and let out a rasping sob. Sandy enfolded him in his arms, realizing that Ryan was nowhere near lucid yet.

He was going to have to try something else. Because he could see that Ryan really was sinking.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Sophie breathed a sigh of relief when Seth was finally settled upstairs in his room. She loved Seth, he was her favorite grandchild, but he was damned exhausting. But at least she knew that she was caught up on the Newport gossip.

No luck on the Kirsten front.

Sophie had told Sandy it didn't matter. She had a pretty good idea of where Kirsten was.

And for one of the first times in her life, she could actually empathize with the princess. Kirsten was a lot of things, but Sophie could tell that she was a good mother just by being around her sons.

Sophie had been devastated when Sandy left home. Her baby boy left and he was so angry with her that he didn't say goodbye or that he loved her or anything. And she might have turned to the bottle a little. Her ex-husband's taste for whiskey might have rubbed off. Hell, the only reason she hadn't gotten busted for drunk driving was because the beat cops knew her. She was the lady that picked up the orphans or the kids whose parents were junkies. They drank with her some nights.

She could relate to Kirsten. She'd grown out of it finally, started dating, and threw herself into her work. But in her mind, it had been a problem. Nobody ever knew it but her.

She'd heard secondhand about Seth's little escapade to Portland and Ryan's accidental return to his roots. Kirsten had been through a lot. Sophie didn't absolve Sandy of all guilt, either. Sandy was guilty about something and if she could just break through his worry about Ryan, she might be able to find out what the hell had torn his family apart.

Ryan wasn't on the couch. Neither was Sandy. She started a pot of coffee and carried a mug with her to the poolhouse.

Sandy met her by the door.

"Why'd you bring him back out here?"

"He likes it better. It's too soon for him to be…social."

"What happened?" She could sense the change. Sandy was panicked again, just more controlled. More protective. Something had happened.

Sandy glanced behind him as if to make sure Ryan was still there before stepping outside with her. "He had…some sort of panic attack. He didn't know where he was…said he thought he was dreaming, like he was hallucinating or something…he finally snapped out of it and wanted to lie down…he needs to be where he's familiar and that's the poolhouse. It's his space…he's okay. He was okay when he fell asleep and he hasn't moved, he's still exhausted."

"I should've been here…"

"He…he knows you know. I shouldn't have told you, I broke his confidence…" Sandy said slowly.

"He understands."

Sandy sighed, putting a hand to his face. "Before he laid down, he asked me to call Kirsten. To tell her the basics, about Trey being locked up and the arrest before somebody else does. He agreed to talk to her if she wants to talk to him. I think that's…that's a big step. But he's…he's withdrawn. I got my sleep today. You get yours tonight."

"He's going to have to talk to somebody. If he wants to talk to me…I do have a long history in counseling kids…"

"He's not a kid, he's my son. I'll talk to him. We'll…we'll come up with something. Get some rest…I have a feeling I'm going to need you tomorrow…"

She started to argue but could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn't going to leave Ryan alone tonight.

"I'll bring you out some breakfast. Try and get some sleep yourself, all right?"

"Thanks, Ma," Sandy smiled sadly, kissing her cheek before returning to Ryan's bedside.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

_Lay your head down child  
I won't let the boogeyman come  
Count the bodies like sheep  
To the rhythm of the war drums  
-A Perfect Circle_

Seth woke up around ten and took a shower. Today was a new day. Ryan would be better today.

The phone rang as soon as he'd poured his first cup of coffee. He answered it before Rosa could. "Hello?"

"Can I speak to Ryan?"

The voice chilled Seth to the bone. He motioned for Rosa to get his father. She shuffled hurriedly out of the kitchen.

"He's not here right now. You don't want to talk to me, Trey?"

"Seth?"

"Why are you calling here? Does the DA need somebody else to testify against you? God, I hope this is your only phone call, that would be fucking sweet, wouldn't it?" Seth snapped.

"Seth, I don't have any beef with you…"

"Yes, you do, motherfucker…" Seth started. His father appeared, startled and took the phone from him.

"Sandy Cohen, who is this, please?" Seth watched his father's eyes flicker with anger and he walked out of the kitchen.

Rosa walked in, slightly breathless.

"Thanks, Rosa," Seth said, embracing the lady.

"De nada," she smiled. "Ryan's awake. Take him some breakfast," she said through her thick accent.

He quickly loaded a plate with bagels and shoved two boxes of cereal under his arm while Rosa followed him with glasses, bowls and a half-gallon of milk.

Seth knocked softly and stepped into the poolhouse.

Ryan was sitting up, blankets folded down across his legs. "Hey."

"Hey, yourself. Hungry?"

"I'll give it a shot," Ryan replied, nodding at him. Seth sat down on the empty side of the bed and spread the food across the blankets. Rosa put the milk beside the bed, patted Seth on the shoulder and grabbed the laundry basket before making her exit.

"How're you doing?" Seth asked, as harmlessly as he could. He was nervous around Ryan, but at least his best friend looked more alert today.

"Okay, I guess," Ryan replied, picking up a bagel and biting into it tentatively. "You? I haven't even asked how you're doing."

"Dude, I'm fine. You're the only one that caught any damage this time. Fucker, always the martyr, aren't you?" He was calmed when Ryan smiled.

"How're the girls?"

Seth relaxed. A topic he knew something about. "Pissed. I bet they'll show up today, they're worried as hell."

"Will you do me a favor?" Ryan asked.

"Depends," Seth answered. Trey's phone call. His father's stressed face. His mother in rehab. "If you'll do me one in return."

"I guess it does depend then," Ryan replied after a beat.

"You go first," Seth said.

"Can you keep stalling the girls? Maybe…take them out? Tell them that I'm sick or contagious or something…I just…I can't deal with them right now. I want…I need to keep it in the family…" Ryan said. "What's your favor?"

Seth waited until Ryan had finished the bagel before answering. He picked up a bowl and filled it with cereal and held it out to Ryan. Ryan took it, but kept his eyes on him. "I want you…I want you to consider talking to a professional."

"What?"

"About…about everything. Because…I know I have no concept of what you're going through, that's not what I'm trying to say, but…I know that me and Dad aren't fully equipped to give you what you need right now…I mean, I know I'm not…" Seth said.

Ryan lowered his gaze. He held out his hand. "Spoon?"

Seth passed him a spoon.

"I…I don't talk. A shrink would be useless."

Seth looked at him.

Finally Ryan sighed. He put the spoon down and used his good hand to lift several pieces of cereal to his mouth. "This makes me feel better."

"Cereal?"

"Eating cereal with you. All I need now is a ramble about Summer," Ryan said with a sigh.

"I can do that if you want, she's been using all kinds of adjectives to describe me since I haven't been over," Seth replied.

Ryan smiled solemnly.

They ate in silence. Seth was relieved when Ryan reached for another bagel.

"So. A shrink."

"I don't know, Ryan…somebody that…that can help you. That you can tell things too without worrying about how it's going to affect them," Seth said pointedly. Ryan nodded silently.

"I got over it before," Ryan said quietly.

"Before?" Seth said, keeping his voice steady.

"Yeah. Before. Trey…he got me through it. When I was a kid…it happened when I was a kid."

Seth didn't know if he was expected to reply so he was silent.

"You're right. I shouldn't put this on you," Ryan said.

"Dude. You know what that means?" Seth asked, turning to him. "It means…that nothing's changed between us. If…if it happened to you before then you know that I liked you anyway, you know that I'm still your best friend because it doesn't matter to me…you know?"

Ryan blinked. "You think?"

"Yeah, dude…" Seth sighed, struggling to convince him. "I mean, it sucks, but…it makes us better."

"Okay. Okay…I'll talk to someone. Someone…private…"

"We'll pick one out…Dad can find someone…and…I'm still here, if you ever…want to talk. I'll…do my best not to disappoint you," Seth said, not wanting to say anything that he couldn't promise.

"Thanks. So…you'll take out the girls?"

"Sure," Seth said. "I can totally handle that."

"Thanks."

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

"Your lawyer will be hearing from me," Sandy said, hitting the off button on the cordless and cutting off Trey's voice. Sandy was a lawyer. Trey was a liar. A skeeze. He didn't really know what a skeeze was, but he knew that Trey's picture would be beside the word in the dictionary.

He reached into his desk and pulled out a pamphlet, dialing the number with a shaking hand.

Kirsten had been there a week. Six days, that was a week in his mind.

"Yes. Kirsten Cohen, please…she should be allowed phone calls now, she's been calling me…I'm her husband…it's slightly urgent…"

He waited as the operator searched for his wife. He wasn't going to tell her about the…rape. But he had to tell her everything else. He had to believe that she loved Ryan despite her harsh words for him during the intervention.

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey."

"They pulled me out of group…is everything okay?"

"I miss you."

He heard Kirsten's soft breath. She always breathed so softly. He missed her breath against his cheek.

"Did you need to be in group?" Sandy asked.

"It…it helps. I know…I know now that I have a problem…I'm so sorry that I hurt you…that I did this…"

"Just…just get better. Come back to me. I…I miss you…"

"I miss you, too. But…why did you say it was urgent?"

Sandy took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I lied to you. Everything…everything's not fine here."

"Okay…okay, Sandy…tell me. Tell me now…" she whispered.

"It's…it's about Ryan. And Trey…"

"Did Trey hurt him? Sandy? Is he okay?"

"Trey…Trey hurt him. It's complicated…" Sandy answered.

"Sandy?" her voice was stern.

"When the boys went with me to Miami…Trey attacked Marissa…and when Ryan found out, he went after him. His timing was bad and the cops were already there for a raid…Ryan was already pretty messed up and he had to spend the night in juvie…and they…they hurt him, too…"

"Is he all right?"

Sandy was silent, his mouth moving but not releasing words.

"Is he all right?"

"No. He's hurt…and I don't want you coming home and seeing him and thinking…and thinking that I lied to you…"

"Sandy…what happened?"

"I…I failed him…I couldn't get him out in time and they…" Sandy felt the tears on his face but he had a hand against his desk to keep him from dropping the phone because of his shaking. "I failed him, Kirsten…"

There was a short pause. "Sandy Cohen, I know you didn't fail him, I know you did everything that you could and that you're still doing everything that you can to help him. If anything happened, I am positive that it was out of your control…"

Sandy was startled. He took a deep breath.

"You love that boy…so do I, no matter how I treat him…did they…did they…really hurt him?"

He knew what she was asking. He couldn't tell her. He didn't say anything.

"Sandy…did they…did they do anything…"

"What are you asking me?" he whispered.

"Did they abuse him?"

"Yes. They beat him…"

"Sexually?" she whispered.

"Yes." Sandy didn't think about his answer.

"God…" Kirsten whispered. "He told you?"

"Unfortunately, he didn't have to. But he…he told me. He talked to me…he's really messed up…"

"God…"

"Kirsten. I need you to get well…so much…" he whispered honestly.

"Me, too…I'll…I'll come home…"

"No. Not until you're ready." Sandy glanced up and recognized his mother in the doorway.

"You can't do this by yourself," she replied.

"I…I called my mother. My mother's here…"

There was a long pause. "Good. She knows…she knows about this stuff, doesn't she?"

"Seems so. Ryan calls her Sophie…"

"I don't even get to call her Sophie," Kirsten replied. He could hear her smile.

"Call me tomorrow."

"Can I talk to Ryan?"

"Tonight?"

"I guess you're right. But…I want to talk to him, okay? I won't talk to him about…about what happened…are you going to take care of Trey?"

"Take care of him?"

"Punish him."

"Yeah. I am…" Sandy answered.

"Good. Make him…make him realize what he did to our son…"

"Our son?"

"Yeah. Our son. He is our son. He's ours now. You hear me? Don't…don't let him go…he's ours now."

Sandy closed his eyes. "Yeah. He is."

"Seth?"

"Seth's great. He's…he's handling it. Ryan…Ryan told him."

"Get some sleep, Sandy. I'm…I'm going to talk to my counselor…and the head doctor…just…just hang on until I get home, okay?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too. I love you more than I could ever express…"

"At least we're on the same page now," Sandy whispered.

"Tomorrow. Things will be better. I'll be better. Take care of them…and I'll be home as soon as I can…"

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

Ryan had his head in his hands. He was trying to feel the sensation of his own hands on his own face. But he couldn't.

He pushed his knees against his ears. Breathe. He needed to breathe. Think clearly. Steady.

He was safe. He wasn't a kid anymore. He could handle this.

"Kid?"

Ryan didn't answer Sophie's call. She knew everything. He didn't need to answer her.

He heard her make her way to his side and felt her comforting hand on his head. "Deep breaths, kid…good…you're doing so well…" she whispered.

"Well?" he muttered.

"Yeah, kid…you're doing great…you're so strong…just breathe and believe that you can do it…you have a family now…you're safe…just breathe…"

Ryan focused on her voice, sucking deep breaths into his lungs.

"You're a good kid…you just have to be able to see that…just take deep breaths and let us take care of you…" Sophie whispered, running her fingers through his hair.

"I…"

"Breathe…don't say anything until you're ready…"

He let her comfort him, focusing on his breathing. He didn't want to sink. Not after he'd been able to hold a serious conversation with Seth. Not after Sandy had spent all night watching him. He focused on catching his breath.

"Hallucinations, flashbacks…you have PTSD, post-traumatic stress syndrome…not to pigeonhole you, but just letting you know that it's normal…it's normal for you to be a little out of sorts…just breathe…"

"Can't…" he admitted. Sandy. Kirsten. Dawn. Seth. Trey. Everything seemed to be tinted gray.

"Shh…" her arms wrapped around him, pinning him and rocking him gently.

He wanted to tell her that it was too much, that his small little brain couldn't process all the images in his mind, all the pain and hurt…he couldn't breathe…

He felt something coarse press against his mouth and started to struggle until he heard her voice again. "This will help, honey, just breathe into the bag, just relax and breathe into the bag…"

Hyperventilating. He knew why she was doing it but he hadn't known he was hyperventilating. He closed his eyes.

"That's a good boy…that's much better," she soothed, caressing his cheek.

He felt steadier now and blinked his gratitude. She let him take control of holding the paper bag and settled beside him on the bed. When he could see in color again, he lowered the bag.

"Better?"

He nodded. "PTSD…that's what's wrong with me?"

"You went through some trauma, kid…it's going to take some time and possibly…some therapy, to get over it," she replied.

He nodded. Seth had already prepared him for that.

"You can talk to me, if you want. I…I worked with kids before I retired."

"Sandy told me…I just…I don't want to put this on you…" he whispered.

She took his face in her hands. "You are not putting anything on me. I am here to help. Sandy called me because he thought I could help…believe me, it's nothing I haven't heard before…"

He shook his head and pulled away. He could breathe again. He didn't want to talk about anything right now. He just wanted to shake off his last little panic attack and keep going.

"Honey…just relax…don't push us away…"

"Sophie…"

"I know it's hard, I know you never wanted Sandy or Kirsten to know about what happened to you…but they do now and you're not going to be able to walk this one off…it's too much, it's too much for anyone to handle…"

"I'm going to get a shower."

He needed to think.

**4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42**

"Where's Ryan?" Sandy asked, stepping into the poolhouse.

"Taking a shower. He won't talk to me," his mother said sadly.

"What?"

"I came in and he was hyperventilating, having a full blown episode…so I calmed him down, got him relaxed again…but he wouldn't talk to me."

"Ma…I know you want to help, but I really think we need to bring someone in from outside the family…somebody that he won't feel like a burden unloading on…Ryan, he's always worried about other people, he rarely worries about himself…" Sandy said, sitting down with her on Ryan's bed.

"I've actually heard that about him," she sighed. "Have you made any calls?"

"I want to talk to him first. See what he wants to do. I think…he's going to need to have some sort of control over what's going to happen now…he needs to be a part of the decision-making," Sandy said. He'd thought about it a lot while he was on the phone with the DA's office about Trey. Ryan wasn't going to have any control over what happened to his brother but that was a parental decision that Sandy had to make. Sandy was going to make sure that Trey was never allowed to come near Ryan again. He was going to make sure he was in jail for the maximum.

"You haven't told me how Kirsten took the news."

Sandy stared at her. "Do you really want to know?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"You've never approved of her…"

"I'm not here to tell you 'I told you so'. Kirsten proved me wrong years ago, she's been a good mother and a good wife…" Sophie said quietly. "She would be here if she could…"

"She's in rehab. She has a drinking problem."

"That's new," his mother replied quietly. "Just pop up on you?"

Sandy covered his face. "Sort of. We've…we've had some problems this year, Kirsten and I…"

"What kind of problems?"

"Ma…"

"Sandy…"

"Rebecca. Rebecca's father came to me for help and…things just got out of control and after this summer…Kirsten and I just weren't strong enough to take it…"

His mother's eyes had narrowed. "Rebecca. She's probably the only girl that I hated you dating more than Kirsten. That explains a lot. Did you sleep with her?"

"God, no, Ma, I would never…" Sandy started.

"Do the boys know?" she asked.

"No. We keep our personal lives separate…" he sighed.

"Your personal lives? You're parents, you don't have personal lives. God, Sandy…I had no idea…" she started.

The door opened and Ryan stepped out with his hair slicked back and still wet.

"Hey, kid," Sandy said.

"Hey." He made his way slowly over to sit down on the empty side of the bed.

"You okay?"

Ryan sighed heavily. "Sophie wants me to talk to her. Seth wants me to talk to someone…and I know that I need to…but…it's going to open up a whole can of worms that I'm just not ready to deal with…I just can't deal right now…"

Sandy glanced at his mother before walking over to kneel in front of him. "I know this is hard, kid…but it'll get easier if you let us help you…"

"I'm trying…" Ryan whispered. "But I don't want to talk to some random stranger, I'm tired of strangers…but I don't want…" he glanced behind him at Sophie before directing his attention to her. "I don't want you to think of me as some kind of pathetic victim every time you see me…I'm already an outsider in this family…"

"Oh, honey…" Sophie whispered.

"I just…I don't know what to do…can you just give me a little while to try and get better?" Ryan asked, searching Sandy's face.

Sandy held his gaze. "You're sinking, Ryan. You know that, you keep saying that…do you think it's going to get better?"

Ryan's face fell and he covered it with his hand.

"I'm sorry…"

"No. You're right. You're right, Sandy…I'll…I'll see whoever you want."

"Lie down…"

"I want to sit up a while," Ryan replied. "It's…I don't want to have another nightmare before I have to…"

"Let's get you some air," Sandy said.

"I'm going to straighten up in here," Sophie said, giving them their privacy.

"I…" Ryan started as he let Sandy steady him outside.

"Hey, kid, you don't have to talk. I know you're probably all out of words after these past few days," Sandy said, feeling the need to relax the boy. "But you're really doing much better than I expected. I mean, in your condition with the broken wrist and all the bruises…well, if it were me or Seth, we'd still be laid up in bed, but not you…"

"Will you find somebody soon? Before I lose my nerve?" Ryan asked quietly, sitting down by the pool.

Sandy pulled up a chair alongside him. "I'm not going to just pick a name out of the phone book, Ryan. I want it to be somebody that we can agree on, someone that you can really talk to…"

Ryan glanced at him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Have you ever gone…like, to a shrink?"

Sandy hesitated. "No. I haven't."

"So…you can't really tell me what to expect, can you?" Ryan asked.

Sandy opened his mouth to reply but the phone in his pocket distracted him. He answered it, not recognizing the number. "Hello?"

"Sandy. It's Kirsten. I…I wondered if Ryan was awake now for me to talk to him…"


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: Thanks so much to all that have taken the time to review. And to the person that asked the significance of the numbers, I wish I was as smart as you to have thought that up, but instead, it's simply a way I used to divide the sections so Ffnet would eat them. The numbers are the cursed numbers from the show Lost. I'm just using them to split up the sections. Hope you'll continue to read despite my lack of imagination.

* * *

_

Ryan watched Sandy's face flicker with indecision. He caught his gaze and lowered the phone. "It's Kirsten. She'd like to talk to you."

"Did you tell her?" he asked.

Sandy nodded.

Wow. He wasn't exactly prepared for this. He was too messed up to pretend for Kirsten. But if she already knew…then she'd see through his act anyway. He had to talk to her though if she was asking for him.

"Ryan? If…"

He held out his hand and accepted the phone. "Hello?"

"Ryan. How are you doing?"

Such a loaded question for him right now. "Good. You?"

"Fine."

"This isn't uncomfortable at all," he muttered, covering his face. She laughed.

"Sorry. Now that I've got you on the phone all the words I had planned out to say…just left me. How are you really doing?"

"Better? Is that acceptable?"

"Not really…I just…I know you're going through a hard time right now and I really wish I could be there to put my arms around you…but…I can't because…I really have to be here right now…"

Ryan closed his eyes. He didn't know what he thought about her words anymore.

"I know that I hurt you…all I can say now is that I'm sorry and I hope that you can forgive me…I didn't mean what I said…I have never regretted meeting you, Ryan, I've never regretted having you in my life…"

"How are your classes or whatever?" he interrupted. He didn't want to listen to her anymore.

"Please. Listen…part of this…my classes…I have to apologize to you, Ryan, because I don't want to lose you, I almost lost you last summer and it nearly killed me…"

Ryan held out the phone to Sandy. "I'm sorry. I can't. I need…I need to go lie down."

He couldn't say what she needed him to say right now. He couldn't forgive her yet. No matter how much his head was telling him to, his heart couldn't handle it.

4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42

"Kirsten? I'm sorry…" Sandy said, raising the phone back to his ear.

"God…he hates me…"

He knew she was crying. "Kirsten, I need you to listen to me for a minute…Ryan, he's…he's not really himself. You're lucky he was lucid at all…"

"What? Lucid? What are you talking about?"

Sandy sighed. "This is too much for you right now…"

"Sandy, tell me!"

"Kirsten, he was fucking raped, do you have any idea how much that affects someone?"

"Rape…I…"

"It's just as hard for a man to get over it, and for it to happen to a kid…a kid…he's struggling and…"

"I'm coming home…"

"No. Stay. You need to stay…because talking to you, no matter what you said…he's not in a place to hear it whether you're there or here. Don't make him think that he's the reason you came home early…"

"If I stay away, what's that going to say to him? God, I need to be there, even if he hates me, I need to be there so he knows I didn't mean it, Sandy…" she sobbed.

"Kirsten…please, just calm down…"

"Hold on…"

Sandy stood up and paced a tense circle around the patio chairs. He had to make sure Ryan was okay, he had to make sure Kirsten was okay but neither one of them was okay and…

"Okay…you're right…I'm being stupid," she said suddenly. "This isn't about me, this is about Ryan and what he needs. He needs me to be okay so he can trust me. Getting sober will make him trust me again…"

Sandy took a deep breath.

"But I talked to my doctors today. I explained everything and…they're willing to talk about giving me a weekend pass on Friday…"

"Would you go back?"

"Yes. I…I promise…as much as I want to be there…this is actually helping…but the doctor wants to talk to you first, to…to explain things…but I could come home…help you, show you that…that I still love you and then…I would come back and keep putting myself back together…"

"Kirsten…"

"Just think about it. Talk to Ryan about it and Seth…and if you think I should wait…I'll listen to your argument, too…okay?"

"Okay," he said, glancing up as Ryan reemerged from the poolhouse. His eyes were red but he was composed. He held out his hand for the phone. "Hold on, Kirsten."

Ryan raised it to his ear. "Kirsten. I am not upset with you, what I'm going through right now has absolutely nothing to do with you, okay? I just…I can't really talk to people right now, I just need you to know that it's not you…"

Sandy watched as Ryan nodded, lowering his eyes. "Me, too…here's Sandy."

He took the phone back. Ryan sat down with a sigh, taking a deep breath and leaning back against the chair and closing his eyes.

"Sandy?"

"I love you, Kirsten."

"I love you, too. Call me tomorrow…ten am is my free time, if you can…"

"I won't forget," Sandy replied.

"Give Seth my love."

"I will."

4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42

"What is wrong with you?" Summer hissed, pulling Seth out of the theater into the deserted lobby.

"What?"

"You're totally not with us, Cohen. Marissa and me have been talking all through the previews and there was a Serenity trailer and you didn't even bitch at us! What is going on?" She asked, softening her tone. "Where's your head?"

Seth's head was currently freaking out in a poolhouse with his grandma. Ryan. He knew that he promised to take out the girls but now that he was out, attempting to pretend that everything was normal. Ryan had sent him out to get him out of the house, too, Seth had seen his agenda but he hadn't fought back. He wanted to get out, too, the tension was thick back at the homestead.

But now that he was out, he was free of Ryan's issues for a few hours, all he could think about was that he should be there. He should be staying strong with Ryan, taking care of him now that Trey had betrayed him.

Ryan said that Trey helped him through it before. That's what real brothers were supposed to do. Not go out with hot girls while Ryan was suffering in silence.

"Cohen! Seriously? Is…is everything okay?"

"You have your car, don't you?" he asked.

"What? You're leaving? Oh, hell no, not until you give me an explanation…"

"Summer. I can't…"

"Yes. You can. You haven't called for three days, three days since when you told me Ryan was locked in jail and your mom was in rehab and now, after three days, you ask me out just to take off?" She took his hands. "Don't you get it? I'm not mad, I'm fucking worried! Are you okay?"

"Summer. I need to go home…I think I'm catching what Ryan has, that weird prison flu," Seth said, pulling his hands away and clutching his stomach.

"Prison flu. Cohen…please…talk to me…"

As much as he wanted to, he couldn't tell her anything, he couldn't even lie. He shook his head, stifled a gag and rushed into the bathroom.

4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42

_I think I'm losing my grip  
But I can still make a fist  
-Nine Inch Nails_

Ryan heard Sandy sigh heavily as he hung up the phone. He didn't open his eyes. He let the sun wash over his cold body.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I just…I'm not mad at her, Sandy…but it did hurt hearing her talk to me like that…" Ryan admitted. He owed Sandy an explanation.

"She hasn't been herself for a while. She's…she's been lonely and I hurt her…you didn't do anything wrong, she…she lashed out…"

"We trapped her. I know all about being trapped…" Ryan said, thinking about Sandy's words. He'd agreed with Sandy when he told him about the intervention but maybe he should have considered how it would affect Kirsten. His mother had thrown bottles and plates at him the first time he tried to take her to the free clinic for detox. Kirsten lashed out with words…

They both hurt.

He was tired of the hurt.

But he really didn't have the energy or the motivation to stay angry. He was tired of being angry. He was tired of feeling.

The numbness was looking more inviting by the second.

"Ryan."

"Still here," he answered forcing himself to look at Sandy.

"Kirsten wants to come home for the weekend and her doctors okayed it. How would you handle that?"

Ryan was speechless. He didn't know how he'd deal with it if she just walked in and pretended that everything was normal. He'd probably pretend right back but he didn't have his walls in place…

"If you don't want her here…"

"It's her home, Sandy, this is her house, her family, I can't ask you to keep her away," Ryan said honestly, sitting up fully and taking a deep breath. The pain was back. Keeping the numbness at bay.

Pain brought clarity.

"Ryan…" Sandy chastened.

"I have to face her, she's always going to be…a part of my life, you know? If she hadn't been drinking, she wouldn't have said that to me…she wasn't herself," Ryan said.

"Are you trying to convince me or convince yourself?" Sandy asked.

It was a valid question.

"Listen…I don't want to push you right now…"

"You aren't," Ryan said. Sandy and Sophie and even Seth were being incredibly understanding. "I'm trying and it's harder than I thought it'd be. So. Kirsten's coming home tomorrow. It'll be good to see her…"

"If you don't want to see her I'll keep her away…"

"No, Sandy. I…" Ryan shook his head in frustration. "Why can't you understand…"

"I understand that you don't want to be the person keeping Kirsten from coming home because you think it will hurt me and Seth…but I don't want to be the one that keeps you from getting better because of bringing her home…" Sandy replied.

Ryan hesitated, but after a moment, he saw what Sandy was telling him. "Okay…"

"Okay. I'm going to call her tomorrow so we'll have time to think about it. I haven't told Seth yet…this has to be a family decision, okay?"

"Okay. I should be appreciative that you're including me in the decision at all…"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I've been a little…nutso, haven't I?" Ryan muttered.

Sandy smiled. "Nothing that we can't handle. And you're not nutso. You're just a little shaken up.

Ryan smiled reluctantly and was relieved to see Sandy relaxing.

He felt better. Not much, but better. He trusted Sandy. He had to rely on his instincts and even with a few bumps along the way…Sandy had never let him down.

"It's going to take time. For all of us. But that's something that we have. Time."

True. School was out for summer. He had time.

But not much time until Kirsten got home or Marissa finally showed up.

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Seth hand meant to rush for the exit but in his attempt to pretend to be sick, he'd actually rushed into the bathroom.

God, he was bad at this. He splashed water on his face.

He had to do this. Calm Summer down. Be stealth. Then go back and stay with his brother.

"Cohen. Just tell me." Summer was standing in the entrance to the bathroom, her face serious and her voice begging.

He trusted her. He knew she'd keep his confidence.

Or not. She'd tell Marissa, just like she'd told him about Trey's attack. She'd do what her judgment told her was best for the people she loved. But he loved Ryan and he knew…

"What is going on?" she whispered.

"Ryan got hurt in juvie. He got into a fight with these guards and got really beat up. And he's really angry, not like safe for public consumption angry," Seth heard the words come out and watched Summer's face relax. She believed him. "And to make things worse, The Nana's in town and Mom's not here and the house is this big inferno of tension and I wanted to come out and not think about it but I can't because you and Marissa keep staring at me…"

"Cohen, I'm sorry…"

"Ryan's really messed up, like the only person he's not yelling at is Rosa," Seth lied. "He doesn't want to see anyone, how am I supposed to explain that to Marissa?"

"I'll take care of Coop," Summer said, pulling him into her embrace. "I'm sorry…for pushing you."

"She shouldn't see him like this, it wouldn't be good for either of them."

"I'll tell her something…not the truth…do you want to go finish the movie?"

"I think I should go home. Be with Ryan."

"Okay. But…call me okay? I miss you…I'm here for you…don't shut me out like last summer…"

"I promise," he said, kissing her.

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Ryan went into the poolhouse. Sophie had made herself at home in the small kitchenette.

"Lie down, kid. I made you some soup, Seth and Rosa said you like clam chowder and I have a great recipe…"

He did like chowder. He settled onto his bed. The bed was soft and safe.

He had to admit that this was his home. His home base. No matter where life took him, he'd always end up here. Safe.

"Deep thoughts?" Sophie asked, walking over and placing a tray across his legs with a bowl of soup and chips and toast and tea.

"Yeah. Are you going to eat?" he asked her. He crossed his arms until she relented, fixing herself a bowl and sitting down.

"Happy?"

"Yes," he nodded.

They ate in silence for a while.

"Can I ask you something?" he said.

"Sure."

"You know about shrinks…like, what are they going to ask me? What am I going to have to tell them?" Ryan asked.

Sophie smiled at him patiently. "Whatever you need to tell them. They get paid to listen to you."

He took another spoonful of soup.

"You can still talk to me if…if you want."

Ryan smiled at her. "I know."

"Why not?"

He looked at her seriously. "I love Kirsten. I see how much it hurts Sandy that you don't feel the same way…and I don't know if you could be unbiased…" he said quietly.

Her face flashed with realization.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately.

"No, don't apologize…I never…I never really thought about it that way…I mean, Sandy won't confide in me and I guess I can't blame him…"

"Sophie…"

"But…the offer still stands."

He studied her.

She leaned forward. "I guarantee if you unload some of those things pounding away in your head that you'll feel better."

"Just tell me how to get rid of the panic attacks, the flashbacks…" he said.

"I can't know until you talk to me. Prime your system for the shrink," she urged.

He took another spoonful of soup.

What did he really have to lose? She already knew about juvie and she was still reasonably normal around him.

"Tell me about juvie."

"Juvie…karma," he replied absently.

"Karma?"

"This kid I helped get arrested to get my brother off…he was selling drugs…he was my cellmate the first night…I managed to fight him off…"

"First night's the most important…have to hold your own," Sophie said, pretending to be uninterested but establishing her understanding of juvie and jail.

"But…I didn't figure in that he had an 'in' with the guards…told them that I had some rich dad but was guilty as hell…so when the doc sent me to my cell…they came for me…to teach me a lesson…"

"Did you fight them?"

Ryan shuddered involuntarily. He'd finished the chowder but nothing else. She took the tray from him, making him keep the ice tea. "Broken wrist. Broken ribs. Handcuffs. I couldn't really put up much of a fight…"

She was watching him.

"It hurts more if you fight," he said quietly.

"You know that…"

"My dad used to fuck me. Before he got locked up."

"That's how you think of it? Fucking?"

"Sorry," he said.

"I'm from the Bronx, 'fucking' isn't a bad word…but I'm talking about the context…" she replied.

"He was punishing me. Dad…" the word made him nauseous.

"When the guards…were punishing you, did they say anything?"

He could feel their breath on his neck. Their hands on him, hurting him. He could hear his father's voice. He was going to sink…

"Ryan?"

"I didn't hear them," he realized, focusing on her. "It hurt too much…"

"What did you hear? What did you see?"

"Nothing…but…I could feel…it hurt…but it was, like, I deserved it…I had been pretending I was…that I was good enough…but…I had come back to my roots, I had fucked up and I needed to be reminded…"

"Reminded of what?"

"That I was nothing, that I'm worthless…no matter what I do…"

"Ryan. Do you really believe that you're worthless? Do you really believe that you deserved it?" she whispered.

"Karma," he murmured, thoughtful.

"You're a smart kid…tell me your definition of karma…tell me why you think you deserved to be hurt like that," she urged.

"I turned on Trey, I turned on Kirsten…"

"Ryan. Do you honestly think you betrayed your brother?"

He didn't know. "He betrayed me, too…but I knew better…"

"He doesn't hold any responsibility for his actions? Why do you hold universal guilt? He's older than you, he grew up in the same home as you, he had the same father…why are you responsible for him?" she asked.

It was a valid question.

"I can't tell you how to feel…"

"I know…but…you're right…I guess my vision's a little skewed," he admitted.

"Its understandable," she said. "Sandy's not your father."

"I know," he answered honestly. "Sandy's never hurt me. Sandy's not…cruel…"

"You have to trust him. You can trust me. Let us take care of you for a while…let us carry the load," she said softly. "You have to stop taking responsibility for things out of your control. Those men…they took advantage of you, they used you to fulfill their sick fantasies but it wasn't your fault…they didn't know you and they couldn't be punishing you because they don't know you…"

Those fuckers didn't know him. They assumed since he was from Newport and that Kyle knew him that he was some spoiled little punk…

"Your father didn't know you…he used you…he hurt you because he could…"

"Because I was weak…he was trying to make me strong," Ryan said.

"He was trying to break you because you were stronger than him…he…Ryan, you didn't deserve that…"

"How can you be so sure?" he asked, lying down. He didn't want to talk anymore. This wasn't helping.

"Because. Because I can see you. And you didn't deserve that."

He met her eyes steadily. "You don't know me, Sophie. What he did to me…it made me who I am…you know?"

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"Hey. What are you doing home?" Sandy asked his son as he woke up from his doze on the couch.

"I wasn't really into the whole movie stuff…couldn't get my mind off…everything. How's Ryan?" Seth asked, sitting down beside him and flipping on the TV quietly.

"He talked to your mom…"

"How'd that go?"

"He got upset, she got upset, they both apologized, and I have no idea," Sandy admitted. "The Nana was talking to him last I checked."

"The Nana certainly has a way with him…" Seth grinned.

"I'm actually pretty stunned about that whole relationship," Sandy said.

"Never thought Ryan would replace me as the favorite grandchild, I mean, he's not even Jewish," Seth joked. "What about Trey?"

Sandy rubbed his forehead. He had a lot on his plate these days. "Trey is an ass."

"Oh, with Mom out of the house the language rules are relaxed, I see. But he's definitely an ass…what did he want?" Seth asked.

Sandy didn't know how much he wanted to tell his son. He hadn't told Ryan that his brother had called.

"That bad?" Seth asked.

"He wanted to apologize to Ryan. He wanted to see if I'd take his case…"

"Dad…you didn't…"

"Of course I didn't," Sandy replied. "I wouldn't consider it, even if Ryan asked me to. I pushed Ryan too hard to forgive Trey and bring him back to Newport…"

"You didn't know this would happen. He never talks about his family, about Chino, how were you supposed to know?"

He should've known by the look on Ryan's face in the waiting area when he first went to get Trey. He should've known by the tense glances Ryan kept giving Trey when they'd gone out to lunch. But no. He'd coaxed Ryan into inviting him home, he'd forced Ryan to give up his poolhouse so Trey would have a place to stay. He'd pushed Ryan to reconcile with him after whatever happened at the auction…

"Dad?"

"I should have known that he didn't want Trey here. He was trying to protect himself, to protect us and I just ignored him…I ignored everything he was trying to tell me…" Sandy admitted.

Seth sighed. "You know…after the auction, Ryan didn't want anything to do with Trey. He wanted to cut him off…but me and Marissa…we sort of encouraged him to make up with him…the birthday party at Marissa's wasn't Ryan's idea…it was ours. If you're at fault, then so am I...but we didn't do this to Ryan. Those fuckers at the prison did this to Ryan, his dad did this…"

"He told you about his dad?"

Seth hesitated. "He said it happened to him when he was a kid…and that Trey helped him through it…I just figured that it was his dad…"

Sandy nodded. "He…"

"We can't undo what they did. But we can take care of him now, prove to him that he's better than that…"

Sandy missed when his son started channeling Dr. Phil but he was grateful. "You're right."

"Thanks." He sighed heavily. "I lied to Summer tonight. She cornered me in the bathroom and demanded to know why I was acting weird."

"What'd you tell her?" Sandy had a lot on his plate but so did Seth. Dealing with a worried, panicked, well-meaning girlfriend was going to be a lot for Seth to handle.

"I told her that Ryan was really angry and that he was yelling at everyone. I think I said that he was yelling at everyone except Rosa because everyone knows that Ryan loves Rosa," Seth explained.

Sandy laughed. It was notorious that Ryan loved the housekeeper.

"I told her that the Nana was here and that it was really stressful and she agreed to convince Marissa to stay away a little longer…but she feels guilty since what Trey did to her is why this whole mess started."

"There's definitely too much blame flying around," Sandy admitted. "It's not Marissa's fault."

"What's going to happen to Trey?" Seth asked.

"I don't know. But I'm going to make sure that he never comes around here again…okay?"

Seth nodded.

"Your mother wants to come home for the weekend. How would you feel about that?"

Seth's face lit up with enthusiasm. "That's good, right? That they give her a weekend pass?"

"She asked them because of Ryan…because he's hurt," Sandy told him.

"How's Ryan feel about it? I mean, I know she was harsh to him but he loves her…he'll want to see her…right?" Seth asked.

"I just wanted to make sure," Sandy replied. Seth accepted his shady response and settled back against the couch. "You can go see him, if you want. Nana won't bite."

"I know. I will. I just…need a break."

Sandy patted his leg and they both turned their attention to the Cheers rerun.

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Sophie left Ryan in Seth's capable hands that night and tucked her son in on the couch before going to bed herself. She set the alarm for seven but was up by six-thirty, helping Rosa unpack fresh groceries and starting breakfast.

"Hey, Ma. You're up way too early for California," Sandy said, greeting her as she was finishing up the first omelet.

She smiled as he kissed her cheek. "I have to fatten you guys up. I don't know how you are all so thin around here with Rosa cooking for you," Sophie said.

"I'm so sorry that we aren't rolling around on our round, fat bellies, but none of us are malnourished," Sandy laughed. "How's Ryan?"

"Seth's with him, they're both sleeping. I turned the TV off, I think they were watching something on TV before they fell asleep but it was cartoons when I checked on them," Sophie answered.

"Ma, they were probably watching the cartoons," Sandy said. "I need to talk to you about something before the boys get up," he said seriously.

"I need to talk to you about something, too," she replied. "Let's have some coffee first, though, huh?" She needed her coffee. They sat down at the kitchen table and she let Rosa serve them. She'd never had a servant but she had to admit that the Spanish lady was a good housekeeper. She'd taken good care of her boys.

"Kirsten wants to come home for the weekend," Sandy stated.

Sophie wasn't sure if she was being asked permission or just being told a fact.

"Has Ryan said…" Sandy started.

"He said that he didn't take me up on my offer for counseling because he loved her and he knew I didn't like her. He said that it hurt you that I couldn't get along with her…" she interrupted.

"He's a sharp kid," Sandy said after a pause, not meeting her gaze.

"He talked to me, Sandy. That's what I wanted to tell you. He…he tried to talk to me and even though I can't tell you everything that he said because it would be breaking his trust…I can tell you that you're doing everything right. That kid hasn't trusted anybody for a really long time but he trusts you," she said. She needed to tell Sandy. "When I first met him, I had no idea that he had a past like that…because you and Kirsten gave him a home…I know he's hurting right now, but one thing is still the same…he loves you both…"

Sophie thought she saw a tear in Sandy's eye, but he looked away before she could see for sure. Boys.

"She said some things to him during the intervention…"

Ouch. Sophie had assumed that Kirsten went on her own, not by force…

"Some things that she didn't mean, but that she knew would hurt…and if Ryan wasn't in such pain, I know he'd have let everything just bounce off like me and Seth…" Sandy continued. "But I think he was already up to his neck with his brother and that she might have clicked something over in his brain…maybe she was the last straw that tipped him over the edge to going after his brother that night…and if she has that much effect on him then how's this weekend going to go?"

Sophie let him finish and didn't speak. She knew that he didn't need her to respond, just to listen.

"But I think if waits too long to make it right then she might lose him…"

"They might need each other," she said quietly.

He nodded.

"He needs to know that he's worth something, Sandy…that he's not being punished…the only way to show him is to stick with this…show him you love him, listen when he needs it and let him be quiet when he needs it…he has to be comfortable…"

"Is he not comfortable?" Sandy asked, concerned.

"No, honey…what I'm trying to say is that a little more TLC is not going to hurt Ryan," Sophie finished.

"Why did I think you'd be lecturing me by now about Kirsten?"

"It's not my place. You've been married to her twenty years…it's about time I accept that I can't change that," she said. "It took Ryan to teach me that…so I'm sorry…"

Sandy reached over and took her hand with a smile. "Thanks, Ma…for coming and for…for doing all this for me…"

"Thank you for remembering that I'm a part of your family again," Sophie smiled.

The door opened and a very sleepy Seth walked in. "Dude, I told you there'd be food, Ryan's stomach's been growling louder than I could snore," Seth told them.

Ryan was rubbing his eyes drowsily but he had come inside without coaxing. He went directly to the coffee maker and nodded to Seth.

"Oh yeah," Seth said, pointing at the cast. He poured two cups of coffee and moved them to the table.

Ryan spoke softly to Rosa, giving the lady a wide smile before she shooed him over to the table and pulled out his chair for him.

Seth winked at her. "Ryan always sucks up to Rosa, that's why he has so many more muscles than me, she gives him special food."

Ryan gave him the finger but Rosa tapped him teasingly on the back of his head.

Sandy was smiling but Sophie could tell that he was worried how the tentative family atmosphere was going to react when Kirsten came back into the picture, even for just the weekend.

---------

"Kirsten. Sandy's promised to get all the alcohol out of the house…"

"I'm not planning on drinking…"

Dr. Woodruff studied her from the driver's seat.

She sighed. "I know, people never plan on it…but I just want to go home and see my family. Show them that I am not going to lose them. I never got to tell my father how much I loved him and I can't make that mistake again…"

"I told you that I can stay with you…this is too much stress for someone like you…"

"Someone like me? I'm a mother, I'm a wife, this isn't stress," she snapped. She was so tired of everyone telling her what she could and could not handle. She was an alcoholic, she was tired of denying that, too, but she had been Sandy's wife and Seth's mother for a lot longer than she'd been an alcoholic. The fact that they were handling everything without her was killing her.

They needed her and she wasn't there.

Seth had needed her, Ryan had needed her, and she wasn't there. She'd let them down. She'd let Sandy down.

She had to show them that she was sorry and that no matter her personal issues, that she was still there for them.

Sandy always had a stronger relationship with the boys. Before Ryan came, Seth was her son, he loved her and would barely grace his father with a sentence. He was withdrawn but he had loved her. But when Seth saw how much Ryan trusted Sandy…everything changed. Seth and Ryan became Sandy's sons.

Seth hadn't really talked to her since Portland. She wanted him home and Sandy let him stay. Seth never forgave her and Sandy never forgave her for doubting his decision.

She had been so busy with ignoring Rachel and seducing Carter and drinking to bother with trying to work out all those feelings. She'd turned away from them and it didn't really matter who turned away first.

"Kirsten? What's on your mind?"

The center wasn't a bad place, they just didn't let her hide from her problems. She'd started drinking to dull the hurt. She wasn't happy in her life. She wasn't happy…but the alcohol had made her forget.

"We're almost there, Kirsten."

"Okay. Sandy will bring me back if…if it doesn't go well," she said, straightening her back. She brushed her fingers through her hair.

He nodded, pulling through the gates.

The driveway looked the same. She'd only been gone a week but she knew how much had changed inside.

She gathered her purse on her lap as he turned off the engine.

"Any last words?" Kirsten asked.

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Sandy dipped his finger into the leftover frosting in the bowl and got it almost to his mouth when the doorbell rang. His mother didn't even turn away from the freshly baked muffins.

He hurried to the foyer and opened the door.

Kirsten.

"Hi…" she started, but he was too busy embracing her.

All his doubts, all his second thoughts, all of that was gone because she was in his arms. He missed her so much. She smelled different. Her eyes were brighter. Her hair was shiny again. She almost looked like the woman he married.

"You never have to ring the doorbell," he whispered, kissing her cheek. He didn't know if he was allowed to kiss her lips yet.

"So…this is okay?" she asked.

"This is more than okay. Ma's in the kitchen making dinner, she says since it's our first family dinner that it has to be special," he said.

She looked at him, doubtfully. "Your mother…"

He knew she'd question him. "Let's talk first. You want to go out back?" He put his arm around her waist and she leaned into him.

It had been so long since she had leaned on him. Or even allowed him to touch her. He sighed as they walked around the edge of the house into the backyard.

"How are the boys?"

"Ryan had a pretty good day today. They're in the poolhouse watching TV," Sandy answered. It was true. Ryan had only suffered one panic attack so far and he'd calmed down after a few minutes of talking.

"I figured the girls would be sticking close to them," she said, sitting down with him at the table furthest from the house.

"Ryan's not really in any shape to be social," Sandy replied. "And Seth's really protective."

"Have you heard from Trey?"

"He called. He's not going to talk to Ryan. No matter what. I'm going to try my best to get him locked up for the maximum…I don't want Ryan to know anything about it," he said.

"Of course…what about the…the other case."

Sandy flushed. "I hired a lawyer. To…to handle that. My family needs me more right now."

She smiled at him and her eyes lit up. "Good for you. I was worried…worried that you'd be doing too much…"

He took her hand. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too. I'll be home for good as soon as I'm strong again. I…I lost my way, Sandy," she whispered.

"We'll help you find it. Want to see the boys?"

Her face flashed with trepidation.

"It'll be okay. They won't bite," Sandy said, needing to convince her. The faster they got this started, the less it would hurt. Like a band aid.

"Okay," Kirsten replied. He could see her steadying herself. She was going to do this.

"Do you want me to prepare you?" he asked, guiding her to the poolhouse.

"Yeah."

"He's bruised, all over. He's still got stitches in his back, if you happen to see him shirtless. He's got a cast on his wrist…"

"How's he doing? I know you got him the best doctors, I just want to know about…"

"He's not crazy. He's comfortable. He's…he's still a little off…"

"You just told me he wasn't up for social interaction, what am I supposed to think?" she asked, confused.

Sandy put an arm around her and she didn't flinch. He missed her so damn much. "Just don't expect him to have any intense discussions with you today. He's…"

"Fragile."

He saw her watching their boys through the windows.

Seth was talking animatedly with the video game controller in his hand. Ryan was lying in bed with his arm across his face, but it was clear that he was listening.

"Where are you getting that from?" Sandy asked. They looked reasonably relaxed in his opinion.

She smiled at him and knocked softly on the door.

"Mom!" Seth called out, opening the door and embracing her. "Hey…"

"Hey, Seth…" she smiled widely.

"You made it past the Nana and everything," Seth teased, winking at him. He was at full-on-enthusiasm. Sandy loved his son.

"Haven't actually been inside yet," Kirsten said.

Ryan had gotten to his feet when Sandy glanced at him again. He didn't step forward and he kept his eyes lowered but Kirsten made the first step, embracing him tightly.

Seth stepped over beside him. "Why do you look so worried?"

Kirsten was speaking to Ryan in an urgent whisper but they couldn't make out the words.

"It's okay…it's okay…don't worry about it…" Ryan started, keeping his eyes closed.

Sandy wanted Kirsten and Ryan to go back to normal. But he realized that to Ryan, placating the needy parent was normal. He didn't know any other way to be a good son.

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Her arms held him tightly. "I'm so sorry about what I said, I didn't mean it, I love you, you're so important to me and I'm so sorry that I wasn't here when you needed me…"

Every phrase had it's own landmine so he let her hold him and told her what she needed to hear. "It's okay…"

He knew it wasn't his responsibility to sugar coat things for Kirsten but it was easier than facing everything else.

She pulled back and took his face in her hands. Her eyes were bright with emotion. "I want you to listen to me. I'm sorry."

"Me, too. I'm glad you're better," he said automatically, ignoring Sandy's worried look.

"You shouldn't be up, lie down, I don't want you straining yourself just because I'm here," she said suddenly.

He was startled by the quick change from her accepting comfort to her giving comfort. He glanced at Sandy who nodded. He sat down on the bed. He was relieved when Seth resumed his perch at the edge by the TV.

"So, Mom, how's rehab?" Seth asked bluntly.

Kirsten's face flushed but she finally relaxed into a smile. "It's kind of like going back to school except the classes are about me and my mistakes." She sat down beside Seth on the bed. Sandy settled to stand beside Ryan. He put his hand on Ryan's shoulder and studied him for a long moment.

"It's not as bad as I thought. I…I really needed a wake up call…but I know now that you guys really loved me to make me go…"

"You needed help, Mom. We're just glad you're getting it," Seth said.

Seth and Sandy were visibly elated to have Kirsten back and despite his depression and apprehension, it was good to have her back.

"How have you guys been doing?" she glanced backwards at him and noticed Sandy's hand on his shoulder. Her face flashed with worry but she covered it quickly.

Everyone's game face was on now.


End file.
